Saturday, July 21, 2012

I have been re-reading The Heart Waits by Sue Monk Kidd this was one of the many books I read during my journey to the outer limits of my mind. At least I think so.  It is a great book and I really don't remember anything about it. I know I must have read it because someone has highlighted certain passages throughout the book and since I live alone I am making the assumption that it was me.

It is helps me to know that I am not alone in my mid life crisis of faith and that someone else has gone to the dark side and returned. Isn't that what we all want to know that we are not totally alone in our suffering. We are not unique even though we still want to feel like we are special in some way. Our story is different and no one could possibly understand where we are coming from. It is life and if we are suffering it is a good bet someone else out there has been in our shoes.

I live for the most part in my head. I have let my heart in over the past four years reluctantly. Some how deep inside I knew it would be real trouble and I was right.  I thought I had done this before earlier in my life but now I am not so sure. Maybe it is just a little deeper.

To really know yourself in an honest way is pretty frightening. Realizing that you have been living with the expectations of an child is a hard pill to swallow. That is really what is going on with me.

I really thought that life would be different than it has turned out. Granted I had a rough start with my mother dying but I got back on track. I married, we found good jobs and we bought a house. We were talking about the next step of having kids. He was a kid and one that drank more than regularly. I felt alone and thought I would be a lonely mother waiting at home for him to return from his constant party.

He found someone else that could straighten him out and was willing to have those kids. They are still together and have two kids.

At 30 I decided no kids for me. I didn't want be on the hunt like so many women I knew at the time looking for a man so they could have children. I did meet someone in my mid-thirties but I had already decided no kids for me.

Being left again in my mid-forties was a shock. I know that now that I have been in shock. I turned that inward and blamed myself. The choices I made in my life has left me alone and sometimes lonely.  Once again this situation is not unique to me but it wasn't where I expected to be.

This pain has been compounded by my recent turn inward where I let go of my vast network of friends and associates. Another barrage of blaming heading my way. See you did this to yourself, you are the reason you are alone. It is your fault something is wrong with you. No one to blame but yourself.

This is what I hear when I am at my lowest. I took yesterday off thinking it was a great idea and ended up paralyzed in these kinds of thoughts. I didn't know what to do with myself. I felt I had no one I could call. I have used up my grace with the people left in my life.

I am over myself today. I feel like so what this is the way things are for now and not the way they will always be. It is just one day and doesn't mean I am slipping back into shock and pain. It is normal to have feelings to have bad days to feel alone and lonely. I am just like everyone else like it or not I am not special. The feelings I am feeling have been felt since the creation of man and women.

For those in a life transformation or grieving for was has been lost I recommend the book. She does reference the Bible along with many other authors. It is not a religious book just a book of her journey and where she found hope to go on even when she didn't want to.

As for me I will be alright somehow as always I will make my own way. I have been lonely when I had someone sleeping beside me every night. I am practicing acceptance and understanding that just because I think I am to blame doesn't me it is true. There is no one to blame it is a part of life. Stuff happens and you just have to deal with it.

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