Thursday, July 26, 2012

Rinse and Repeat

I had a tough day yesterday. I had a job go south after a ton of work. I knew when I started the relationship it was going to require a lot of patients on my part. I have had enough experience to know when there is going to be trouble. Why do I think this time it will turn out different?

On the surface you might think a job is a job and I am just not turning away business. When I got home last night I had plenty of time for reflection and came up with my truth. I could tell myself I am a people pleaser and need the praise and adoration of others and maybe that it true sometimes but not in this case. It is ego really or is that the same thing?

My ego tells me that I am the one person that can take this person on and come out ahead. Who am I kidding, really? I want to satisfy the unsatisfiable. I can be the one person to solve the unsolvable puzzle.

The was the story of my life as of this moment. This is how I have ended up in relationships with people that need serious help and I am the one willing to lay my life on the line for them. I have had difficult bosses, co-workers, clients and spouses. Hum. What is the common denominator? Me.

We all know difficult people but not everyone wants to help them, fix them or support their cause. It is not because I am so good at it is more because it makes me think I have special powers. Well it turns out I don't and I don't want to be that person anymore.

At the core I don't give up until I am laid out on the floor. This would be one of my character defects and assets. My mother would always say "where there is a will there is a way".  I stay too long and then feel I have invested too much time to give up now.  If I just wait things will get better.Hah.

The dilemma of dysfunctional relationships. This is how I ended up in an alcoholic marriage and then Al-Anon. I thought I was special because he let me into his world it was just me and him. Rinse and repeat comes to mind at this point. 

I have grown and can sometimes feel special on my own. But the temptation is strong to be the one that is chosen. Even if that is in the business world.
What I have learned for the 99th time is that it isn't my job. I don't want this lesson again. Can I let the lure of glory and my egos desire to be special pass me by next time. Maybe.

Letting go again.....

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