Monday, December 17, 2012

A message - Not the messenger - Love
I was listening to a message yesterday that reminded me of my dad. If you are familiar with my past post you know my dad  and I didn't really stay connected after my mom died and he remarried. I was only a riff from my end that I could tell anyway. For a long time I suffered in my own mind from his indifference to me.

He was a man of principle even if emotionally he couldn't empathize with the pain of others. I think with the childhood he had he reserved his emotions for a select few and I wasn't one of them.

I am more like him than I want to admit given my own childhood experience how ironic.

My dad was a passive man.  I never ever heard him complain not even once about anything.

He was passionate about only a few things. His wives, his god and the next holistic cure. He could fix anything that had parts with or without a manual.

He was a man of principle and never broke the rules. He never even broke the speed limit he would tell us it was a sin to knowing do something wrong. This was the message I heard yesterday that you are representing God out there and you should be your best.

I spoke to my sister last night and she said she had been playing the video from his funeral. Probably about the same time as I was thinking about him weird huh? He was a rock star among his church peers and really I was the only one that didn't know him. Maybe.

I am passed the grievances I had with my dad and I am not suffering anymore about what I think I missed. He taught me to set a good example even when it isn't easy or popular.  Even when doing the right thing alienates you from everyone. It is the message not the messenger that counts.

He let me go and I let go right back. It has taken me most of my life to get over feeling abandoned by him. I can't undo what has been done and I know he did his best even if it wasn't good enough for me. It was all he had.

My parents weren't perfect and with my mother's death I got skewed up. I was lucky because they did give me a good foundation of confidence even if it included regular whippings. I was lost for a long time but with every set back I was then able to move forward and learn from it.

I have resisted giving up my resentments about my family. I wore my past like a badge of honor to show the world all that I had suffered through. It defined me and when I saw how these resentments were holding me back I knew I had to let them go. I was afraid who would I be with my story of pain and suffering.

I have become comfortable with this blank slate now. I feel so free and happy I shared this with my sister yesterday and she said "oh your always going up and down it won't last".  For a second I thought she is right but then I asked myself  "why are you going to the hardware store for bread?"

Life is a solitary journey and only you and yourself live in your head. You can be surrounded by a crowd but in the end you have to decide what is right for you. You can't let the opinion of others define you. It is you own opinion that matters most. If we will be still long enough the small  voice of wisdom inside of you will send you in the right direction.

My dad would agree but would add that the small voice is God and I don't totally disagree. I love you dad.


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