I am suddenly some version of my old self the person left behind during my grief. It seems since Thanksgiving I have been healed is some way I can't really explain. The past seems to be just that the past without any residue to drag me down.
My friend an I decorated a Christmas tree actually he decorated it while I plundered through a million smelly boxes from the basement. My friend from Salt Lake sent me a gift and card saying " buy a Christmas tree " so that is how it all began.
The tree looks beautiful and after 6 years with no tree the idea of decorating seems fresh and new. I have decorations that are hand me downs from who knows where but they all seem fresh too. The house smells like Christmas and I put Santa hats on all my Buddhas. I don't think Buddha would have a problem with that.
I feel ready to run my life instead of it running me. I know I have been odd in so many ways and finally I got to the point that I accepted that I would never resemble the person I use to be and suddenly here I am again.
I am not exactly the same person as I was before all this happened but my mind is clear and I feel ready to take care of myself again instead of bracing myself for what the day might bring. Surviving at best.
No one really trust me at this point I get this I am just starting to trust myself. People have been avoiding me and the blackness that I carried for such a long time. I hurt people on my path of survival and I have already made some of my amends. I did my best even if it wasn't always enough.
I haven't felt really happy in a long time. At first I was content to just not feel sad for awhile. I didn't trust that I would ever feel happy or enthusiastic about anything again so I really just gave up trying to feel any different.
It has never taken me this long to recover before so I assumed my state of mind was permanent. I feel so grateful that the god of my understanding has reached out a hand to help me up off the ground one more time.
So if your out there and it is seems like the pain will never end don't give up. The sadness is a blanket protecting you while your deepest places heal. It's ugly and painfully but if you can just trust the process (which I never can) it will make a new person out of you or bring back the best parts of the person you use to be.