Thursday, February 21, 2013

Never compromise - Cleaning my room
I find more and more that the problems I have come from the child in me that does want to accept that I have to take care of myself. With every step I feel like I am growing up and really seeing how thinking as a child has really kept me from living life more joyously.

The minute I see through my immaturity I start to feel better.  When I was a kid I would clean my room from time to time without being asked and then I would go get my mother and show it to her. I would want her to say how great it look and what a great kid I was for doing it.

That is what I have been wanting all my adult life. I wanted someone to tell me what a great job I have done and  then I could translate that into that I am valuable.  I have earned my place in this world.

Does everyone feel that way? Most of the time I know when I have done a good job but the kid in me has doubts. I hear "what if you are screwed up?" "what if it is your fault?" "what if you aren't as good as you think you are?"  Then doubts creep in and I try to get other people to fill in the blanks. Reassure me that I am lovable.

Putting the child in me at ease is a full time job. I think about what my mother my might say to me if she was here.  She would be kind and reassuring and say your perfect the way God made you. Do your best and let God do the rest. ( maybe that is from the program)

I don't really remember what she said about my room. She probably said it looked nice. She would probably say that is MY room and I had to live in it so I should want to clean it for myself.  Really.

My mom in all her holiness was a pretty progressive thinker. She really never cared that much about my room unless it started spilling out into the hall. I was allowed to do whatever I wanted with my room and when company came she would just close the door. My door was closed a lot.

She gave me a lot in 11 short years and died February 15th 1974. An anniversary that just passed. She gave my sister and I some serious talks about being independent and being true to ourselves. Never count on a man she would say even though my dad was the most reliable man on earth. Maybe she knew she wasn't long for this world and wanted us to never have to compromise in life in order to survive.

I am amazed that with each day I am learning how to fly higher and higher and never compromise even if occasionally I have to hit the pavement.

No comments:

Post a Comment