I can's say it wasn't a little challenging come Sunday night. In fact Saturday night I thought I could veg in front of the TV but I couldn't. Too many years of being depressed and immobile makes doing that less appealing these days.
I got up and decided to do some mindful chores. While dusting I discovered my God Box it isn't really a God Box because it is a gourd taped shut. For those who don't know what a God Box is it is a box that you put problems or desires into representing turning them over to a higher power.
A real God Box can't be opened. Once you write you problem or desire on a piece of paper you put it in the box and you can't take it back. I have one that a wood working friend gave me but I had already started using the gourd.
Of course I opened it and read the tiny slips of paper. When I read them I thought back on how desperate I had been during those times. How everything I thought would be permanent in my life was ripped away. I met someone during that time who I thought might save me from the tidal wave of emotion heading my way, but it wasn't meant to be the timing was bad and I was crazy and crazy attracts crazy at least that is my experience.
I am not that person anymore. When I saw a friend of mine that is a spiritual healer a few weeks ago and she took one look at me and said you are empty and have rid yourself of your past. I already knew this. I have moved on in so many ways. I feel good unless I start wondering what to do with the rest of my life. I have spent so much of my life recovering from my past it feels strange to let that go.
I always thought I needed to remember where I have been but keeping the memories kept the pain alive. The hurt child is all grown up realizing that I was the one still torturing myself. When I think about the person I use to be it feels like my old relationships like they never happened some distant dream involving strangers.
I decided to burn those pieces of paper with my problems and even the ones with my dreams. I don't have the same dreams anymore. One by one they turned into little tiny glowing embers setting me free from the past and opening my life up for something more.