Saturday, March 23, 2013

Amends - Meeting my past self

I have spent a lot of time in my life waiting. Waiting for something to happen or someone to do something like notice me. Eckhart Tolle said in a talk with Oprah that this means this moment isn't good enough. I can't be happy until sometime in the future when a specific thing happens.

This idea really resonated with me. First the future never really comes because it turns into today and it has been my experience that even when I do get what I want my mind has already moved on to something else it wants. Something in the future that I must wait for again.

This for me always puts happiness in the future.  I have been a task oriented goal driven person most of my life. In Al-Anon I learned just how crazy I really was living just to get things done. I ignored the present while focusing on completing the next thing so I could get it off my list. At my worst the people in my life were obstacles getting in the way of the goals I had set for myself.

When I realized I was this person I had to forgive myself and make amends to others by committing to be present in every situation. I also had to do some soul searching and have a few spiritual awakenings to see that this behavior was really insecurity. I felt just being wasn't enough to make me worthy of existing. The more productive I am the more valuable and lovable I am.

Every day God gives me the opportunity to meet myself from the past. I get to see earlier versions of myself in other people and be on the receiving end of my old behavior. It really hurts to be thought of as an obstacle. The idea of  "what have you done for me lately" I think of it as a kind of penance for being the person I use to be.  I am learning at this moment that this was what I needed to see and now I can move away from this kind of behavior. Just like with me it wasn't personal just a person stuck in proving their own worth.

Today, in most one on one situations, I am present. When I am talking to someone I am not thinking about all the things on my to do list or where I would rather be than right there. Every day my eyes are open to just how complicated my mind has really made everything for me. I am learning how living in my heads version of everything has kept me from connecting to the people in my life. People standing right in front of me.

I guess this is a post about amends. First an amends to myself for not thinking I was enough just as God made me and second an amends to everyone that I took for granted along my path. I was painfully locked inside a mind that was distorted by events of my childhood where love was earned not a given.

Real love isn't conditional and if it is it has been distorted by the mind. I left my family because I loved myself and knew spiritually I couldn't survive there with them. Sometimes you have to love from afar when the behaviors of others are unacceptable.

This has been a week of emotional week of awakenings. I am ready to move on and spend my time being joyful in the moment.


  1. i often feel like i'm waiting for something....instead of living in the moment....and so everyday, i practice just being.....and it's not always easy.

  2. well, seeing beth's comment, now i know where you discovered my blog from. i had wondered.

    another great post. i can see you are doing really great work internally. this post {especially the first part} goes very much along with the one right after it that i just commented on... and especially with my comment. as to the second part, it resonated on a couple levels with me. first, there was someone in my life that treated me the way you treated others earlier in life... as an object... and hurt me a lot in the process... this person is who i had to walk away from {which i mentioned in another comment on a different post}. that's why the other part of the end of your post resonated with me... because i had to walk away from a family member knowing i couldn't survive there, and i think she did the same with me. not sure if she loves me from afar. but i know i do her. it might sound strange, but it's comforting to know that others go through what i do. so it helped me to read this. and it's also comforting to know that sometimes people can change... and come around and make amends with their past and the people they trampled on. it gives me hope that one day my family member i had to walk away from will do the same... not just with me, but with God and with others. thanks for sharing these personal parts of your life and thoughts. it's not out there for nothing and for no-one. it has given me some comfort today.