Through out my life I have let life make decisions for me. My fear of change stalled me out until what I feared the most came upon me. I spent a lot of time paralysed not wanting to make a move for fear that things would change and I would lose the stability I cherished. In the end the __it hit the fan I was left behind to rebuild my life.
Every time I was shocked and bewildered and each time I had less and less energy to start again. I think it was because I thought it was possible to keep change from happening. In the old days I thought my expert ability to control every situation would give me the upper hand and at the very least I would be prepared when change came a knocking.
I also thought I was alone in cycle (self absorption). I can see now that this has been a real problem. I thought there was something wrong with me that caused these things to happen to me and therefore I could just make the necessary changes and that would guarantee it wouldn't happen again.
When it happen again and again I ran out of ways to improve myself and believed at the core of me that I was flawed in some big way. I had adhered to every self-help program or idea and it was still happening. I was the best person I could be and that was not enough for the people that left me.
I used these relationships to prove that I was lovable and when they ended it proved that I wasn't.
I believe now that the reason for experiencing the loss over and over was to show me that the love I have for myself is reflected by the people in this world. When your in a relationship and it isn't working the person that loves themselves more gets out first. We call them selfish and we get to play the victim. I love that part.
How brutal is that? Wow that really hurts to even write that. I am not saying that you can't have two people equally vested in a relationship that can work out their differences long term. I think in my case looking back they were both terrible communicators looking for a quick solutions that required little or no work or communication. I was also a terrible communicator.
If I could have been honest with myself and admitted just how miserable I was then I might have been the one to address the problems but instead I stayed really busy. This kept me from admitting I felt trapped and bored but too afraid to lose the stability that being in relationship gave me.
I think I have gotten off track here. I really wanted to focus on accepting change not closing your eyes to what is staring you in the face and being proactive. Deciding how things can be different and making changes that you want instead of waiting for life to force you to make the change.
Right now I am looking at my life with some objectivity. I am seeing that in loving myself I want to make some changes. What do I really want for my future and how am I going to get there? I don't want it to feel too forced I just want to make every decision based on that picture of the future and I know what that looks like now. All will be revealed in future post.