I drove by a trailer park where I once lived today. It was so weird to see it there about ten trailers tucked between some pretty swanky houses on a major road. Trailer park living isn't always like the reality TV would like you to believe. At the time I had moved from an efficiency apartment on the beach to a 12 x 60 trailer and I loved it.
I was single and had my own washer and dryer and some seriously great conditioning. The keepers of the park lived next door and kept up with the comings and goings of guest especially overnight guest. Let us just say my roommate was a friendly girl whose real boyfriend was working on the Alaskan pipeline. He was out of site and out of mind.
I did have my own guest but little did I know he would soon be my husband. My roommate actually tried to befriend him when I was late getting home one night. She didn't believe in boundaries of any kind and was usually three sheets to the wind by supper time. I didn't hold her friendly ways against her because she had introduced the two of us. Luckily he wasn't three sheets to the wind or I probably wouldn't be writing this blog.
I always had a soft spot for those with additions. In my experience they seemed so real like my boundary free roommate. It an openness that I knew I would never have. It was the boundless excitement about life that was appealing to me back in those days.
I lived in fear of the unknown and my soon to be husband and her seemed like they were living life to the fullest. If I could just stay close to them maybe some of that recklessness would rub off on me. It never rubbed off in fact after we werer married and I appointed myself the keepe of all things I was terrified all the time. Where was he? What was he doing? Is he laying in a ditch somewhere?
The relationships brought to the surface every insecurity I had because I didn't want anything to happen to him he was my whole life. So here I am here writing an Al-Anon blog.
What I do know now is we are all the same the addicted and the ones that love the addicted. We all are insecure about life some people drink because it makes them feel less insecure and more normal. Some people like me involve themselves in the lives of others so they don't have to face those insecurities. A life of distraction either way. One more acceptable than another one more physically destructive than another.
What the program did for me was it gave me a plan. It made me face those insecurities one by one and see that life is not as scary as my mind has made it to be. I also know now that I am not alone in my thinking and that every one feels this way sometimes they just find ways to deal with it in a healthier way.
I am different now than I was way back then. I still feel lost and insecure sometimes but I know that it is normal depending on the circumstance. I do still like a good distraction and for me this past nine months it has been learning a new job and now that I feel settled I am restless and looking for a new distraction.
It was strange taking a trip down memory lane today. I will offer you a little update on my roommate. At the end of that summer her real boyfriend came back from Alaska and offered to buy her a new car if she would go back to his home state with him. She said yes and they drove off into the sunset and lived happily ever after. That is my story and I am sticking to it.