I have been cranky today something I don't have to contend with too often. I have this underlying angst and I can't put my finger on the cause. A friend asked me one time did I think I should be happy all the time?
Maybe. Maybe I would just settle for not unhappy. Maybe I just don't really want to settle at all. But I think I need to settle because being unsettled makes me feel like I should be doing something someplace else instead of enjoying the moment. What if I don't like this moment?
I dream about a different life a life that turned out different for me. I know I am not dead yet but I feel restless right now and that time is running out. Today I wanted to just leave work and I did even though it was only for an hour. I drove to the bank and then stopped and had a sit down lunch.
When I got back to the showroom someone was waiting for me and everyone wanted to know why I hadn't answered my phone. A customer whom I spoke to over the phone 3 months ago wanted to place the order in the hour I was gone to lunch. It was an emergency. I am so over that.
He was nice enough and I was grateful that work I had done three months ago was paying off but today I just wanted to be someplace else. The trouble is I don't know where that is really.
I dream of living and working at some sort of retreat. A place people come to rest and find themselves over the weekend leaving me with the middle of the week to myself. I would have my own space to restore myself before the next group of people would arrive.
This is my dream a community of regulars with new people coming and visiting and some of them deciding to stay too. We could cook together, grow things and share our spiritual understandings. We would all have our private spaces to go to when our humanness became too much.
I like this utopia I have in my mind. I could find this easily if I was was willing to join a cause stand for something or some idea. I don't really have soap box anymore I just want to promote self - healing and for people to find a way out of their own self imposed prisons if they want to.
This is a weird post but I am floating around today emotionally and I hope to wake up tomorrow a little more grounded or I hope at least I will care less about being ungrounded.