It is becoming clear to me now. I have spent a great deal of my life working on myself. Weaving through my sorted upbringing poking around in every dark place of my existence trying to rid myself of what was ailing me.
I think I have done a pretty good job overall. First the program and the steps that clearly led me down the right path of looking inward. There was initial moments of great revelation when I could see how my thinking was hurting me. I used every tool offered and made my life better but I didn't find the joy I was hoping to find.
I eventually through life's circumstances lost what peace I had gained. I went back to the beginning and to what had worked before. The words all felt empty to me I wasn't the same person anymore. My mind wanted more and nothing could be done.
So I decided to look to other spiritual means. First Byron Katey her talks seem to resonate with me she came back a new person after some sort of mental or spiritual episode. I could relate to that. "The Work" peaked my interest I understood what she was trying convey but it was her journey and ultimately I moved on. It was too simpel ironically I did like that she could but the whole spiritual process on one page.
I then turned to A Course In Miracles my mind was really turned on by the complexity of this book. It felt like the Bible but wasn't the Bible, which worked for me at the time, it was the wordy writings of a PhD and intellectualized concept of spirituality. A big giant puzzle for the mind. Just like the Bible it would take a lifetime of devotion just to scratch the surface. If I wanted that I would stick with Bible it is more interesting and certainly has more history to back it up.
What was I looking for? I was looking for something that would give me an edge. Some kind of super power over this world that I live in something to make me feel I am special an taken care of. That I have stumbled upon the one secret that makes me exempt from more pain and loneliness. A set of instructions a membership in a special club for the enlightened. I had a dream.
What I realize now is that I have had that all along. I was born with my own spiritual compass and that even though life dumped all that stuff on me I still had to power beneath it all to find my way back. It was the mixed information that was given to me that mad it less clear. Deep within my spiritual self has been trying to bring me back to that moment. Every decision made by my spirit leading me back to the person beneath it all.
I have to trust myself to uncover the lies that I have I have been told especially the ones I have told myself. The ones that make it all too complicated the ones that say I am not worthy of love and the list my mind gives to prove this is true. I have to reach down deep and stand up for myself to myself and face those lies.
If I can do that I can stop trying to find the ever elusive truth and start having fun. I have no idea what that means at this point. I have to know that the spiritual truth is in me and that truth will set me free. It is all so clear to me now.