It has been a good week I opted to take a long weekend. This always makes me feel guilty. When you work on commission your mind is trained to think about the next job keeping the flow going so you don't hit a dry spell somewhere in the future. This doesn't exactly help me live in the present.
I made myself suffer on Friday. I haven't really felt too inspired to do anything lately so that being said my mind says "hey you got nothing more interesting to do so you should be working." the problem with that idea is you never get recharged. You never get the creative juices flowing so you can be present when you are working on some one's dream kitchen or bath.
It didn't help that when I finally surrendered to my day off on Friday I got a call from the office saying that one of my customers couldn't get a hold of me. I called her and she didn't call me back so I felt a little freedom at that point.
I have done nothing too much for the past two days. On Friday I did make a decision to purchase a stationary bike. My work schedule doesn't lend too well to a gym membership which I do have. But biking at night while watching TV does seem like something that would work for me.
I placed the order for the bike at midnight on Friday and by 8 am I got a text that it was ready for pick up at Sears. Ask and you shall receive. This is what I love about the Internet. I spent a few hours today putting it together and have already completed my first five miles. I am in terrible shape but that is the point isn't it?
I did want to touch on my last post. I wanted to convey the freedom I have found through my own personal journey and the relief I feel knowing that my own inner spirit has always been leading me in the right direction and it only my mind that needs the distraction of complexity.
Each of us has to find our own way. For me listening to the journeys of others inspired me not to give up but no one could tell me exactly how to find the truth I was looking for. Only I know what my mind is keeping from me and only I can challenge the stories I tell myself about me.
Questioning the honesty of my own mind turned my life upside down. It showed me that my story was just that a story a story that I kept alive in my own mind. It was this story that kept me entertained and also kept me stuck in the same place.
My story included one of being a victim. A victim is not something you are for a lifetime it is something you experience from time to time during your life. Along with the bad labels I had give up some labels that I have been proud up because those labels also put limitations on me. In the past I kept those labels even when they no longer suited me.
Today I want to be a more fluid person not wanting to be locked into anything not even a spiritual path. It feels freeing and terrifying to just let go and move on when I don't know what I am moving on to. But it feels more natural than what I have done in the past.
This all sounds good tonight but tomorrow I will go back to work and I may lose this clarity. I will be dealing with people and the stories they carry with them. What is different is that I won't always blame myself for the way they feel.