Saturday, March 7, 2015

When will my life begin again?

For a long time I have been waiting for my life to begin again. First I lost the life I thought I was going to have.  I was stunned by this and then the next wave which included menopause and the recession washed away what little there was left of the person I thought I was.

When I moved in my house I brought a lot of stuff with me. I didn't want to lose anything more since I had already lost so much. I thought that at some point I would return to the person I was and I would begin to love the things that I use to love. I would wake up one morning and feel good again.

I did wake up but not like sleeping beauty woke up where the world was all smiles and giggles. When I woke up I felt like I had been in an accident and in a coma for some extended amount of time. I had to learn how to participate in the real world again.  I am still working on that piece.

Because I wasn't sure who would emerge to continue my life I didn't feel good about getting rid of anything. I thought what if I wake up and want to be that person again. My counselor told me that would happen. She was wrong. 

Today I decided that even though I don't know who I am right now I do know who I am not. 

I am not the person that needs all those things anymore. Today I started the purging process.  First I went through the kitchen cabinets. I really don't cook or entertain much anymore so I don't need all those extra things. That time in my life I call my "Martha Stewart period" I did all that stuff to show my love in hopes of feeling worthy of being loved. I can let go of that now.

In my office I looked at all the books that I have been holding on to. The shelves read "this was your life" the design books, the cookbooks and the four shelves of spiritual books. More purging with no sadness.

Ten boxes of books, two boxes of kitchen stuff and three bags of clothes. It is just the beginning.

Letting go of material things seems easy compared to letting go spiritually.  It is the beginning of the end of the healing process for me. 


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