I have spent a lot of my life in some kind crisis living each day thinking that it was enough to just make through to the next day. It seemed like most of the people around me were doing the same thing. With that being said I have always been drawn to the mystical, spiritual and the magical.
I am not sure whether that was my innate sense of survival or the something planted by my parents in the form of my pentecostal up bringing. I was taught with God there was no limits. Believing in the supernatural or supreme being gave me hope that things would get better and they always did or at least they did for awhile anyway.
I want to believe that there is more to like than just making it. That someone somewhere has discovered a road to happiness. Is it spiritual or chemical? Is it something we can create for ourselves or are we the product of our genes or the universes plan for us. I just can't accept either scenario.
I have regularly reinvented my life or my life has reinvented me about every decade or so right now I want to believe something better is headed my way. Maybe my general discontent with just doing what everyone else thinks makes for a happy life makes me think this way. Sometimes I wish that I didn't have this never ending thought "there must be more or I must be more" I know I would be happier for awhile.
Maybe this dissatisfaction is immaturity on my part to think that somehow my life should be or could be any different than the majority. I have conflict within between thinking that I should be living in the moment and believing that that very thought limits my own ability to experience more.
Luckily with my work I only get at most two days a week to ponder the universe. The rest of the time I am drinking the Koolaid along with everyone else and at the end of the day Tedtalks and MM's are enough.
I know I will never be a perpetual Koolaid drinker. I have tried many times but it always leads me to feeling worse about myself like I am a fraud. Then something major happens in my life to distract me long enough to feel alive and then back to the Koolaid.
I am better off living in the moment not thinking about how life, this one anyway, is slipping away.
I blame no one but myself for where I am. I pruned my own life down to only the essentials and now I am waiting for new growth and becoming impatient. It is still winter and I must wait.
Things are changing at work and I will be working more from home. Forcing me to reevaluate my routine and how I will be spending my days. I am going to take this opportunity get our more and try to meet new people. Wish me luck.