Friday, November 20, 2015

Things Change - Stealing my joy

It is funny how quickly things can change once you take a deep breath and let go. One of the other designers resigned and I have my office back again.  There was some idea that I should have gotten the other office but I knew that would not happen.  The person hired is currently being seen as the top dog and the person that left was the previous top dog so it was only right they get the office.

I thought is was funny how everyone was defending me and telling me I should fight for it. "What is wrong with you? Stand up for yourself."  I really didn't want the office I would have taken it but only because it doesn't have a spare desk.  I have been top dog before in my past life with a corner office. I am past needing others to think I am important. 

We will see if the new person can live up to the projections currently being projected on them. The one day we spent together there was a lot of whining about lack of direction and support. I told them it was really to early for whining and that to work there you must act like you are an independent contractor because you really are. That is what I like about it. 

I wouldn't want to be the new person again. I was told by a long time employee that I hired at a time when everyone was really unhappy.  It was the worst possible time for me too with my own spiritual battles and transitioning to a new life. I made it though and feel I am finally myself again. Actually better than the self I was before life rolled over me in a big way.

I do miss the drive I had sometimes. I miss the idea I had that something grand was just around the corner. The Buddhist say that it is letting go of this idea that will lead to happiness. That acceptance of the moment is true happiness. I understand this but the moment sometimes contains unpleasant things that is harder to just let wash over me. 

I know my life is easy and I am grateful for the grace that has been bestowed upon me. I have to admit I do want more. Being alone makes me feel I should have more of a purpose in this world. This idea makes me restless. I know that being restless is part of the human condition especially here in the west and learning to not run from it is the key to happiness. 

There are a lot of people that have done great things for humanity. They get a lot of press but they are the exception and I am sure had a lot of anonymous help along the way.  Everyone makes a difference not always good but a difference. No matter where you are your life has changed someone. 

I am going to consciously let go of this idea that I should have a bigger purpose. I do want to have a richer life but the idea that the life I have isn't enough steals my joy.  I am going to think small and make small changes and see what happens.  

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