It seems that with my own life I have had and underlying fear that I somehow the way I am is not good enough. Evidenced by the number of people that have left me or dismissed what I thought were significant contributions in my work life. Even though intellectually I feel I have over come this fear sometimes my gut reaction to a situation shows me something different.
This week at work they hired someone new and put her in my office (our office). At first I took this very personally even though I have the only extra desk in my office in the whole company. This wasn't a shock because the owner called me into his office last week to give me the news. I was told weeks ago by my manager that this would not happen.
On Tuesday there was a big flurry of activity on that side of the office. My introverted senses felt overwhelmed and I wanted to flee. I did leave for an appointment and it took me an hour to calm my nerves. She has made it quite clear that she is loud and proud and wanted to know if she could bring a radio into the office. Also she said I should get some head phones. I was dumb struck at first but then said absolutely not to the radio.
I immediately felt that they were trying to run me. In the words of the owner "she is our new great white hope" as all new hires are. I told him so was Stephanie the last person that shared my office. He said he didn't even remember her. I said "you loved her and even trained her personally and now you don't even remember her". I could see the fact that he didn't remember her was disturbing to him.
I know I probably shouldn't have said all that but I knew this was my only chance to say my peace. Sometimes I am so over being afraid. He said he would consider some of the suggestions I made about space but I knew it was lip service. He had made up his mind without informing my manager I was lucky he even bothered to tell me.
There is a misconception about me. People think because I am an introvert content to listen instead of talk that this means I am passive. This is far from the truth and I have been know to say things when no one else will. I no longer feel the need to fight other peoples battles but I can stand up for myself when I need to and don't feel any human is superior to another.
I was near tears on Tuesday but mainly because I believed this action was take to push me out. This is the past fears rising up to try to relive the groove in my brain that says "I am not enough".
I do prefer to go to the office to work because there is a clear separation between work hours and home hours. I have been rethinking this since Tuesday and worked at home on Friday. I do have a lovely unused office at home and a docking station and computer screen provided by the company.
The new person is on the other team which means that she should be on opposite days from me. I am getting use to the idea of being more independent. No one cares whether you come to the office or not as long as you are closing deals. I just like being in a building with people even if I don't actually want to interact with them. I am already alone a lot at home so more of that isn't that appealing.
(side note) I could get a dog.
I am going to not take it personally and remember everything isn't about me. Besides the last person was only there two weeks. My team members have said I am the only person that has ever stayed. I couldn't decide it that is a good or bad thing. It is a tough place to work because there is no support but with sales that just goes with the territory.
You have to be independent and fearless to survive. I try to work my job as consciously as possible and I like being able to decide how I want to run my work load. Looking not just at the bottom line but whether spiritually the customer or project is the right fit for me.
Today things are changing and I am accepting those changes as gracefully as possible. Tomorrow I am back in the office and we shall see how I feel about it. Wish me luck.