Sunday, February 28, 2016

Bragging - Criticism

Ending another long six day work week exhausting but productive.  Every time I think I can work on balancing my life a little better a wave of work crashes over my head.  I think I topped a new record for myself this week in work hours ending yesterday with a 12 hour day.

I am not complaining okay maybe just a little but as long as I can remember I have always liked working. Only a few times when the job was boring or didn't suit my personal temperament did I absolutely hate going to work.  I can think of two jobs that fell into this category and luckily neither lasted too long.

The first was a bookkeeping job at a water bed store in the early 80's.  I got the job through a temp agency it was just me and the owner an ambidextrous guy who could use two adding machines at the same time.  I am fine with numbers I just don't love working with them and within a day we mutually decided this was not the job for me. A dark little office in the back with literally one light bulb hanging from the ceiling with the two of us crowded in there together.  I still pass by that location sometimes it has been a number of things over the years and today they are selling golf carts. 

The second job was a receptionist job where most of the clients calling were from China, Japan or Korea and I could never translate what they were saying or even pronounce their names.  I did my best and ask for the spelling but even then I could understand the letters they were saying. All this while the phones were ringing off the hook.  I was relieved when I was fired.  

I has always easier for me to admit that I wasn't good at something. A bit harder to was to acknowledge my talents. I was taught that bragging on yourself was impolite and that you needed to wait until someone else pointed out your special gifts. In my family that never really happened it was always about reaching the next level. They were quick with the constructive criticism helping you to do more be more. 

So most of my life has been spent waiting for someone to appreciate me and what I bring to the table. I have been appreciated both at work and in my personal relationships but I depended on it to keep up my confidence. As we all know the praise of others is short lived and when it was gone I was devastated.  In my immaturity I thought that it was my fault and that if I improved myself the next job or relationship would last.  I  would work to improve myself and then find the next person that appreciated me.  

I am just now learning to appreciate myself and not let how I feel about myself be determined by what others think about me. I have always done my best even if sometimes it wasn't good enough. I can admit my part but I can no longer accept full responsibility. I have hurt others just as I have been hurt and for that I am sorry. 

I guess the point of this post is to know yourself and appreciate your worth.  Also know that relationship are like jobs some are short term and some could turn into careers. Know who you are and what works for you and if it doesn't last then move on and don't blame yourself.  

This has been a month of grieving and soul searching and I feel I am ready to appreciate myself and start feeling like I deserve a fuller happier life. I am grateful I have the ability to see the things within myself that causes me suffer and do something about. 

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