Sometimes in life some small thing happens and it triggers a wave of emotions and thought that sends your life in different direction. This happened this week. It seems on the surface something silly but in truth is represents exactly where I am in my life right now.
Naturally it has to do with design. I found some unusual chairs that I thought would be great for my dining table. I don't really need them but they were a deal. The store allowed me to take them overnight to see if they would work.
When I got home from work I was so exited I called my friend who lives on my street and said hey I really want you to come and look at these chairs and tell me what you think. I have to return them in the morning.
The answer I got was "I am reading can you send me a picture?" This little moment made me realize just how limited my support system is and that something has to change. Of course my next thought is that I have caused this I have let a lot of people go in my life and that has left me a small group of people to fill what few needs I do have.
I don't have big needs any more I am not looking for someone to fill a huge void in my life but someone that would be kind to me and give me a little support. A relationship of give and take that celebrates the friendship.
I am the kind of friend that would do just about anything for anyone of my friends that ask. It would be nice if I thought that this could or would be reciprocated in some way if I needed it to be. This kind of thinking has hurt me in the past and I thought I had rid myself of these kinds of expectations.
I survived my life by being autonomous leaving me with the appearance from the outside of not needing anyone. I have surrounded myself with autonomous people but I am willing to admit that I do have needs and I do have feelings.
This all may sound like no big thing so what my friend wasn't interested in me or excited about something I am excited about. It tells me I have to change my life and do more reaching out.
I haven't been able to support anyone these past few years. I was all used up and needed to heal myself but I have done that and I am ready for something more.
I can't undo the past or retrieve those friends I lost along the way but I can make an effort to expand my world. It is too small now and I have to think bigger.