I watch a lot of inspirational or motivational speakers who all insist that you must have a plan a list of things you want to achieve or own in order to have a rich full life. I really buy into this kind stuff even though I have never actually had a life plan it always seemed to me that life had a plan for me.
I think my childhood up bringing where with the faith of a mustard seed anything is possible attracts me to this kind of soap box rhetoric. Putting the onus on me to make my dreams come true and if they don't then I am not doing something right. This coupled with my analytical mind puts me in a loop of dissatisfaction blaming myself for my lack of success in some areas.
If you heap the fact that at 11 belief and prayer did not keep my mother from dying of cancer complicated this belief in the almighty and set me up for a life time of inner conflict. To believe or not to believe.
I like the idea that I have this power to change my life or that my belief in a power greater than myself can make things work the way I want them to but what if they don't. It is exhausting to constantly be monitoring my thoughts so I don't drop the positive ball and it rolls out of my grasp.
Life was easier when I knew less when I was able to just rely on some simple slogan to get through the day. That the world was in perfect order and if I just took one minute at a time everything would work out the best for everyone.
I feel like this inner conflict has kept me stuck for awhile. I feel this is the last conflict that I would like to resolve but I know in my heart that there is no resolution and just the very search for a resolution is causing my suffering. It is trying to control the uncontrollable or know the unknowable.
I don't feel it is all doom and gloom. I do believe that we are spirit first an foremost and through circumstances life has heaped on layers of experiences good and bad on each of us. We can spend our lives toting around those experiences lost in our own mental and emotional prison or we can let go and face each day knowing full well that anything can happen good or bad.
It is totally terrifying to just let go and live even if we might not get what we want in the end. For me I have decided to just let go again. The other way is worse for me it is too much to be responsible for every moment of every day. I think it is in my best for me to step out of this loop and accept what comes my way
I think this direction will lead me to peace and if not it will give me more time to be open to others ready to let go of their own suffering. The road here has been long and every step I have to admit was absolutely necessary. I will continue to seek out motivational speakers when I feel down but I know they don't have the answer either they are just doing what they do best.
On the outside it might not seem I have a rich full life but on the inside it is a different story.