Step 6 - I can see my horse?

I went briefly to the dark side yesterday. I was off and had a small job installing yesterday morning and they had a lot of issues. I jumped through a few hoops and solved the immediate crisis but could see the small profit we were going to make going down the drain.

I want so badly for something to go right and move out of this cycling negativity. I want get back up on the horse and start riding but my horse is a little skittish. Just when I think he is ready he takes off.

Should I get different horse or do I need two horses? This is the dilemma for me when fear over takes me and I crawl literally back in my bed and pull the covers over my head, like I did yesterday. My ability to move forward comes to a screeching halt. I am paralyzed.

Something happen that I thought might shed some light on my fear. While writing in my journal I decided to write out the steps. A simple task I thought but I was missing one of the steps. For the life of me I couldn't remember which one. I didn't have a copy near by so I let it go. Today I remembered it was Step Six. I was all about Step Seven asking to have my shortcomings removed but Step Six was no where to be found.

Step Six, were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character. Just getting ready in other words waiting. Waiting has always been my nemesis. The enemy that pushes me to edge until I just do something anything right or wrong.

So here I am getting ready. So what part of me is not really ready? Am I not sincere in my proclamation of Step Seven. So maybe I'm not willing to give some defect up. Maybe it is not enough to ask for general removal at this point. Maybe I can't see something that is holding me back.

I have a lot of defects and most are related to my will so I spend most of my days hanging out with Step Three. This waiting is probably related to my will in some way.

I have always had a plan, a clear focus a direction that I was sure about for my life but now nothing seems clear and I am uncomfortable with that.

I can see my horse sunning just a few feet away from me. I am sitting on the fence not moving an inch. If I jump down I am afraid he will bolt, but I can't sit here forever. I think I will wait just a little longer.

Courage to Change-Step Six

I picked up my Courage to Change book this morning on my way out the door. The book is tattered and pages are falling out and it has an old cloth book cover from one of my first conventions. I still like to use it even though I bought a new one. I guess it represents the wear and tear of my journey over the years and it is good to remember where I came from. I read actually tomorrows reading about Step Six and it as always seems appropriate for where I am at this moment in my life.

It talks about letting go of who we are and the fear that there will be nothing left once we do that. "The desire to grow and to heal has brought me to this uncomfortable point, because I am tired of the way I have been".

Step Six- We're entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character. So the only action is being ready and I am ready. I am an action person and I have tried everything not to be exactly where I am. So for me this is about retreat and surrender to stop doing anything.

I had dinner with a friend last night that pointed out that I have been stuck for a long time and since I don't see medication as an option then I am where I am. That is true on both accounts but I know that I am better and I have grown through the pain. It did make me see more clearly the burden I have been on those closest to me.

I am exhausted spiritually with the quest for the answers and so I am doing nothing and that feels really good. Just standing still and being entirely ready. "I need only trust, when the time comes to move forward, I will know it".

I am on the other side of the pain for the moment and I feel at peace with where I am for the first time in a long time. Every moment of pain has led me to an awakening and is a part of my journey.