Friday, August 6, 2010
Courage to Change-Step Six
I picked up my Courage to Change book this morning on my way out the door. The book is tattered and pages are falling out and it has an old cloth book cover from one of my first conventions. I still like to use it even though I bought a new one. I guess it represents the wear and tear of my journey over the years and it is good to remember where I came from. I read actually tomorrows reading about Step Six and it as always seems appropriate for where I am at this moment in my life.
It talks about letting go of who we are and the fear that there will be nothing left once we do that. "The desire to grow and to heal has brought me to this uncomfortable point, because I am tired of the way I have been".
Step Six- We're entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character. So the only action is being ready and I am ready. I am an action person and I have tried everything not to be exactly where I am. So for me this is about retreat and surrender to stop doing anything.
I had dinner with a friend last night that pointed out that I have been stuck for a long time and since I don't see medication as an option then I am where I am. That is true on both accounts but I know that I am better and I have grown through the pain. It did make me see more clearly the burden I have been on those closest to me.
I am exhausted spiritually with the quest for the answers and so I am doing nothing and that feels really good. Just standing still and being entirely ready. "I need only trust, when the time comes to move forward, I will know it".
I am on the other side of the pain for the moment and I feel at peace with where I am for the first time in a long time. Every moment of pain has led me to an awakening and is a part of my journey.