Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Step 6 - I can see my horse?


I went briefly to the dark side yesterday. I was off and had a small job installing yesterday morning and they had a lot of issues. I jumped through a few hoops and solved the immediate crisis but could see the small profit we were going to make going down the drain.

I want so badly for something to go right and move out of this cycling negativity. I want get back up on the horse and start riding but my horse is a little skittish. Just when I think he is ready he takes off.

Should I get different horse or do I need two horses? This is the dilemma for me when fear over takes me and I crawl literally back in my bed and pull the covers over my head, like I did yesterday. My ability to move forward comes to a screeching halt. I am paralyzed.

Something happen that I thought might shed some light on my fear. While writing in my journal I decided to write out the steps. A simple task I thought but I was missing one of the steps. For the life of me I couldn't remember which one. I didn't have a copy near by so I let it go. Today I remembered it was Step Six. I was all about Step Seven asking to have my shortcomings removed but Step Six was no where to be found.

Step Six, were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character. Just getting ready in other words waiting. Waiting has always been my nemesis. The enemy that pushes me to edge until I just do something anything right or wrong.

So here I am getting ready. So what part of me is not really ready? Am I not sincere in my proclamation of Step Seven. So maybe I'm not willing to give some defect up. Maybe it is not enough to ask for general removal at this point. Maybe I can't see something that is holding me back.

I have a lot of defects and most are related to my will so I spend most of my days hanging out with Step Three. This waiting is probably related to my will in some way.

I have always had a plan, a clear focus a direction that I was sure about for my life but now nothing seems clear and I am uncomfortable with that.

I can see my horse sunning just a few feet away from me. I am sitting on the fence not moving an inch. If I jump down I am afraid he will bolt, but I can't sit here forever. I think I will wait just a little longer.

4 comments:

  1. My sponsor asked me to look at whatever situation I am in and ask myself: what step would I work for this? You may have found your answer. I like it. Good work.

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  2. This is really a good stuff, This sounds good. I like it. Photo Recovery

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  3. In my experience with horses if they know you want to catch them, they'll bolt. If they think you're just sitting there enjoying the day, watching the clouds go by, pretty soon they'll wander over and see what it is you're up to. When the rider is ready, the horse will appear(?)

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  4. I don't think that all my defects will be removed because of ego. But I am glad that most are not as glaring as they once were. Speak softly and hold out your hand. Gentleness is recognized by all creatures including horses.

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