Riding a Horse

This is not another metaphor it is the real thing. I spent my life mostly working or accomplishing things the act of getting things done suits me well. I realized quite recently that it is not easy for me to do something just for entertainment.

I started to think of a few things I would like to try. A bucket list I guess you might say. It is short list at this point but on the list I put ride a horse. I rode one once when I was eight and that was it. It might sound silly but I when your task oriented time gets away from you. Always planning for others or taking care of the details of life.

I went to a silent auction on Friday night and there it was a one hour horseback riding lesson. I am broke right now but I was the starting bid of $20 the lesson a $40 value. I was the highest bidder and now I am going get to ride a horse.

I have been shut down to my own desires for most of my life. Few things have brought me true joy. The alcoholics I have been attracted to stirred something in me that made me feel more alive than I ever was on my own. That feeling was as close to joy as I thought I could get but of course it was fleeting. I was living through someone else and it was more of a distraction than real joy.

I didn't want to face the truth that I really didn't know who I was and maybe if I started looking for me no one would be there. I was boring and keeping up with the alcoholic was an adventure and I didn't have to acknowledge my real fear of being no one without someone.

I am still looking for me. I have really stopped just trying to fill my time with what is offered up. Hours of doing things I had no interest in doing because it was easier than being still or searching for my own joy.

I am taking a horseback riding lesson. I might hate it or maybe I will love it. Who knows maybe I will join the rodeo. At least I am trying something just for me.

Step 6 - I can see my horse?

I went briefly to the dark side yesterday. I was off and had a small job installing yesterday morning and they had a lot of issues. I jumped through a few hoops and solved the immediate crisis but could see the small profit we were going to make going down the drain.

I want so badly for something to go right and move out of this cycling negativity. I want get back up on the horse and start riding but my horse is a little skittish. Just when I think he is ready he takes off.

Should I get different horse or do I need two horses? This is the dilemma for me when fear over takes me and I crawl literally back in my bed and pull the covers over my head, like I did yesterday. My ability to move forward comes to a screeching halt. I am paralyzed.

Something happen that I thought might shed some light on my fear. While writing in my journal I decided to write out the steps. A simple task I thought but I was missing one of the steps. For the life of me I couldn't remember which one. I didn't have a copy near by so I let it go. Today I remembered it was Step Six. I was all about Step Seven asking to have my shortcomings removed but Step Six was no where to be found.

Step Six, were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character. Just getting ready in other words waiting. Waiting has always been my nemesis. The enemy that pushes me to edge until I just do something anything right or wrong.

So here I am getting ready. So what part of me is not really ready? Am I not sincere in my proclamation of Step Seven. So maybe I'm not willing to give some defect up. Maybe it is not enough to ask for general removal at this point. Maybe I can't see something that is holding me back.

I have a lot of defects and most are related to my will so I spend most of my days hanging out with Step Three. This waiting is probably related to my will in some way.

I have always had a plan, a clear focus a direction that I was sure about for my life but now nothing seems clear and I am uncomfortable with that.

I can see my horse sunning just a few feet away from me. I am sitting on the fence not moving an inch. If I jump down I am afraid he will bolt, but I can't sit here forever. I think I will wait just a little longer.