Someone has to leave - Embracing Sadness - Grief

I was watching TV and heard the owls calling back and forth and decided to go out on the porch to listen. They called back and forth a few times and then one called out and the other one didn't. It made me think of relationships and how they sometimes just stop and one person calls out and the other one doesn't answer and it is over.

I have been in a spot of grieving for whatever reason. It is good sometimes to stop and grieve but most of the time life really doesn't give you that luxury.  I passed the man who lost his wife a few weeks ago in the hall and said hello. He smiled as he always does trying to appear like his life wasn't in shambles.

We all do this we run from grief and bury ourselves in the next thing. It makes other people more comfortable than showing them we are not alright. No one wants to know you feel sick and that you can't imagine waking up another day with yourself.  

We are no match for grief you can run fast and hard but not forever. Someone I knew told her husband that I should just get over my grief when I lost the life I thought I would have. He left her the following year and I am sure she understands better now. It is hard to lose it all at once just like death you are left with a shell of of life. You are starting from scratch. 

I know death is worse than the ending of a relationship but is it? How do wrap your head around someone choosing a life without you. Deciding that no matter what you gave to the relationship it wasn't enough and you weren't enough. How do you decide that you are enough when clearly you weren't. I do think if I had made different choices then maybe I wouldn't be alone now. 

It has been along time since my breakup and it seems ridiculous that I still have grieving to do. I think the last year coupled with the pandemic being over has made really think about what I am going to do with the rest of my life. Maybe triggered by recent funerals. 

I can't change the past and the decisions I made or decisions other people made that affected me. I think it is okay to grieve from time to time. I imagined a different life for myself but I have to work with what I have. I don't regret anything at this point but as time goes on I want to find happiness for myself.

I went for a check up today and discussed my recent sadness.  My doctor suggested trying hormones and I agreed. I will never be as sad as I was before and I compare any depression to that now and it isn't even close. Some grief and sadness from time to time is normal if you are not staying so busy you just push it down. It will bubble up in anger or sickness so it is best to just let it out.

I am not afraid of sadness anymore because I have been there and come back.  I can face it without fear and know that it will pass and if I embrace it it will pass quickly. I am going to be kind to myself instead focusing on making it go away.  

Just like riding a bike

I have made it through another week a good week with some successes at work and a few personal accomplishments on the side. Things I have putting off forever and feeling guilty about.

I am attributing my uplifted mood to the lack of rain for the past three days. I have to admit I am just better when I can see the sun at least once a week. I am not sure how people live in areas where it rains a lot.  I already live about as south as I can and still it isn't sunny enough for me sometimes.

Closing a few jobs this week has taken the pressure off of me for at least the weekend which includes today.  My plan for today is to take my old neglected bike to the bike shop to get the tires rotten tires replaced. I haven't touched it since I move here seven years ago.

When I am grieving I divorce the person as well as anything associated with what use to be my life. It is too painful to think about what will never be again. I miss the years that I felt I belonged and thought I knew where I was going and who I was going with. Obviously it was story I created in my own mind for my benefit so I could and did feel safe for many years.

It didn't matter that I felt trapped or unhappy a lot of the time.  It didn't matter that I lived with someone who hid there emotions even to the end when it was over and I was shut down every time I wanted to talk about it. Buried just like every other problem we had together.

In the beginning it felt good being the opposite of the highly charged alcoholic relationship I was use to and I enjoyed not having to manage the emotions of someone else. But after awhile it was like living alone.  Then I began to do a little digging to see if I could resurrect a little bit of emotion this only back fired and I received anger and tears. I let the idea go and practiced acceptance.

I picked that. It was right for me at the time it was the easy way out to be with someone that would basically not challenge me in any way. I chose a mirror of myself shut down and not interested in anything that might bring my own past to the surface.  They were very productive years on the surface I moved, got a degree and changed professions. From the outside all was well.

I guess that is why when it was over I had a lot of catching up to do emotionally and spiritually. It is in my DNA to live a life of spiritual depth. Mostly on my mother's side where life was about God and everyday living interrupted the time we spent with God.

I have unlearned a lot these past seven years.  I have started to accept the pattern I have of resistance together with despair rolling into letting go and acceptance.  When I am down I think "this is all there is" when I am up it sounds more like "this is enough."

So I am getting back on my bike. I have moved past the association of my past with riding a bike. I am no longer rejecting the person I was or the life I use to have.  I threw out everything about me the good and the bad and have been living with a blank slate. Now I am finding the things about me that I still like and that give me pleasure.

Acceptance of myself and the past and acceptance of today just as I am is the key to finding the love and freedom that my heart is looking for. .