The deluxe life - being alone - The past

I use to have a deluxe life that is what my mind says when I feel emptiness especially around the holidays. I remember one 4th of July where my ex and I made pin wheels on the 4th for a party we were having.  We put them on each side of the driveway. The idea was from one of Martha Stewart's gracious living articles.  Ironically I think this was around the time she was heading for prison. Things were not so deluxe for her and if I am honest not so much for me either.

I always wanted a family and a lifestyle like I imagined other people had. I love visually beautiful things and I have spent my life improving on what is and tweaking constantly until everything is just right.  I wanted everything to be perfect that day the food the decorations I was all in.  Looking back my partner was probably not all in and was just going along which was what always worked for us.

In the beginning I did think that we were so much a like but really I was having myself reflected back to me. I did see this later on and tried to force the issue by asking for opinions and not getting them - only to end up frustrated and just doing my own thing.  I am strong willed and I know it so I am always careful to not run over other people when decisions are being made. It is true though that when no one in a group will make a decision I am willing to step up and make it.

I am a reluctant leader you could say which makes me a good at what I do. I listen to see what ideas people have and what they are thinking they want and then I work to bring them to life. In the end I want everyone to be happy and the dream in their head to come alive. 

Anyway when mind starts reminiscing about how I had the perfect life and now I have nothing I have to just stop myself. I have a choice to follow those thoughts down a sad negative path and pretend the past was so much better than it really was or I can just say no. I have a tendency to blame myself for everything this gives me control instead of admitting just like millions of other people I was cheated on and it ended the relationship. 

This was a long time ago and it really doesn't matter at this point and isn't something I allow myself to dwell on very often. It is just at holidays I imagine how my life would have been different if I had made different choices.  That doesn't really help does it? I was never happy because I felt alone all those years in my relationships mostly because I chose people that liked what I had to offer. I could take care of them I would create a nice life so they didn't really have to do anything. 

The truth is I am happier than I have ever been in my life. I am being a wife to myself and making myself a comfortable life. I don't need other people to need me in order to feel worthy of being loved. It has taken me this long to learn how to take care of myself and not feel guilty about it. 

I am a very different person than I was when I chose the people in my life. None them would work for me now even if they did magically came back. I am a whole person now and not the needy girl I use to be willing to live with emotionally unavailable people who never consider my needs.

The idea or another relationship isn't off the table if the opportunity arises but with social distancing at this point I could only meet someone delivering something. It could happen but even if it doesn't I will enjoy the life I have created for myself and be grateful I am not stuck in the past even if I occasionally indulge in the "what ifs" Thank God I can catch myself before it ruins my 3 day weekend.   

Family - Addiction - Peace Versions of Reality

My family came and went this past four days.  It was a nice visit everyone seemed pretty chilled out without stressing out over the the schedule.  My sister and I we don't have any big angst between us anymore except at one point she said Obama was a big fake and the secretly he was really just as bad all the rest.  She compared the president to Bill Clinton and his treatment of women I just let it pass.

Sometimes when you aren't quite comfortable with your own position on something you have to make the other side out to be a villain of some sorts.  I know this is what I have done with my ex's and other problem situations in my life.  You can't just say "it just doesn't work for me."  Or "things have changed and I have moved on." 

You have to justify why you don't like or want to be part of something anymore or why your better off.  I think this is how you get past the guilt of moving on or letting go of the hurt of something ending.  In my sister's situation assuring herself she is on the right side of things.  Before the election we both spoke about the fact that the man is a sociopath. We actually agreed on that I am sure at this point she would say she never said that.

With the death of our mother we both have built a fortress around our version of reality.  She also ended up in the middle of full blow addiction.  She went to Al-Anon a few times to help someone else and said "it really wasn't for her she wasn't in denial and the people there were so strange."

She knows what is  best for everyone and she will tell you that. Sounds just like an untreated Al-Anon to me.  I have no desire to do anything about that anymore. She wants to save everyone but when you are dealing with addiction they have to want to save themselves. Like they say "cunning baffling and powerful."

When you are dealing with addition it is not the person you knew anymore.  There are two people in there one running things the other small and scared taking orders.  I felt this way when I was depressed.  I felt like I was a prisoner of my mind and the negative self talk. I just wanted to end that talk and thought I couldn't live another day like that.  I imagine that is the way addiction feels with the substance giving you temporary relief from the self -abusive talk.

My sister said "we didn't turn to drugs or alcohol to solve our problems."  I said it was because we had a strong foundation to start with and probably because we were control freaks.  I really don't know why some are more susceptible than others.  Grace is really the answer to that question.

I am grateful that I have some peace with my family after all these years.  Time does have a way of making you realize it isn't really that important anymore.  It feels good to spend four eventless days with my blood relatives without trying to change anyone's mind or even state my own.

 

Food - Kurt - The most wonderful time of the year

Here it is upon us once again the season to be jolly. It is 80 degrees today and I have been shopping most of the day.  First for flooring for my kitchen, the first selection looked too pink and then for groceries.

I am fixing a traditional fish taco Christmas eve dinner.  I am sure it is traditional some where but that is what sounded good to me and made with fresh local seafood it will be really good. Avocados were on sell and very ripe for the roasted corn avocado side dish. They are not in big demand for Christmas day I guess.

Tomorrow I am eating with some program friends and we are having hamburgers.  I guess you can tell none of us are much for following traditions. It should be a fine day with a variety of food including a few vegetarian dishes.  I am making lentil salad with roasted red peppers and feta cheese.

Getting past the talk about food and on a more serious note today I watched part of the Kurt Cobain story on HBO and the underlying theme was that he felt his family rejected him. His dad and stepmother with their combined children couldn't meet his expectations of how a real family should be. He turned angry and they decided to send him off to different relatives who rejected him after a short stay and he eventually he ended up back home with his mother. We know how the story ended.

Of course I could relate to the rejection part and I have to admit I do feel the shadows of rejection during the holidays. My family didn't reject me they were indifferent to me and still are. I spoke to my sister last night for over an hour. She told me about all their plans for the holidays. I does hurt that she doesn't even consider wanting to spend the holidays with me.

We have both created lives without each other. I know now some of this is because she lives with addiction and it is just easier to manage everything without an outsider.

For some of us the holidays bring up the lack in our lives even though it is suppose to be "the most wonderful time of the year" according to the song anyway.  I can't help but wish things turned out differently for me and my family but it didn't and come Monday all these feeling of lack with be gone until next year.

I am happy to have the time off we are closed this weekend and I don't have to be back until Tuesday. This will give me time to finish my work around the house and have enough time to recover physically before returning to work.

I am grateful I have my friends to spend tonight and tomorrow with.  I wish for you my blogging friends that you spend this holiday feeling peaceful and wanting nothing which is the same thing. Just knowing if your holiday doesn't resemble the one you pictured in your head that it is just one day of the year and by Monday it will be mostly forgotten.

Merry Christmas.

Snowman Pens and getting on with life

Here we are with the holiday right upon us it never feels quite real to me. I think because the weather doesn't change too much here and because I lost my sentiment for all of it when I found away to be happy most of the time instead of picking just a few days out the year and squeezing all the happiness out of them that I could.

My co-worker bought us all snowman pens and then went around chastising those of us not using them. I use to be like that. Today she described reindeer cupcakes for next week. The rest of the time she is very unhappy and sees life as out to get her and life fulfills her request daily.

I have settled into my new job quite nicely and business is booming. The fear I had of never getting my mojo back has disappeared. With my confidence back I am selling at top speed. I really love what I do and I actually love my customers most of time.

I will admit as an introverted salesperson I do have to space out my appointments or take a nap between them. I learned that I feel the energy of the people around me that's what makes me good at what I do but it also makes me want to make them happy no matter what the cost.

This is a habit from living in a home of dysfunction. When I am at my best I step back and stay out of their drama and there is a lot of drama in design. The choices the money the mess it brings out the worst and best qualities. Everyone is happy to start with and then the thrill wears off and in the end  they feel like they are the only ones experiencing problems with their project.

When it is over usually a few weeks after completion they couldn't be happier. The have the kitchen of their dreams and we have moved on. New customers new dream kitchens.

Where I work now there is a steady flow of new customers which I like. Repeat customers are good but sometimes you know too much about them and what you are up against. I guess I deal better with the unknown than the known these days.

It is good to be out of survival mode. I am have been surprised by the energy I have without the fear dragging me down. Happy to be free and just getting things done.