More lies I tell myself - 4th step work - Villains in my story

I have written 16000 plus words in the last 24 hours. It wasn't intentional but I began to write the story of my life as now view from where I am today.  I always ask myself if this is healthy for me or is it someway to put down deeper grooves in places in my brain that I am trying heal.

I think the love affair with our story can keep us stuck forever if we want. It is only in our own mind and anyone that we include in that story has no input in the story we have created. They can't defend themselves or explain what they were thinking at the time. It is just our version of the story.

We can make them the villain and us the hero whenever we want.  I know most people will think that they know exactly what happened and why the other person was wrong and they were right.  This of course how we live with the choices we have made and the wrongs that have been done to us.

I get it.  It is how we cope with the nature of what life dishes out to us. Our brain just keeps washing over these details until we feel better about them or more justified in the pain we carry inside. Again the other players not able to defend themselves.

Over the years I have done this kind of writing first really a fourth step and then again years later to see how far I have come healing the hurts. With every pass I see less and less pain towards the villains in my story. I can see just how screwed up my own thinking was when I entered these situations. Can I forgive them - Can I forgive myself. It comes down to our motives and there motives. 

I have forgiven just about all of the villains in my story except really one. My stepmother. I am not sure why I feel this way. Maybe because she was the one person that had the opportunity to change the course of my life. If she had been a better person and realize I was just a girl who had just lost her mother. She could have made me feel safe and loved. I know she had her own problems. 

Don't try to talk me out of this it won't work. I know intellectually that hurt people hurt people and I have done my share of hurting people. Her words her actions made my then developing brain believe that I was not enough and that to be loved I had to earn it. I had to be whoever another person wanted me to be. To be me was just not good enough.

I have to be honest after the writing I have done I was getting this message before she entered my life. I was a unique child and ask a lot questions. I was got whippings in name of love for having a mind of my own. Nobody appreciates independent thinkers. 

In my experience we are just weirdos alone on our on paths. I have been lucky to learn slowly to embrace myself and find a niche that doesn't draw too much attention to my uniqueness. I can do what I want and enjoy my life in the shadows. I have had my time in the sun and enjoying my anonymity. 

I think writing is good it has saved me plenty of times. Writing in my journal and especially writing here. I don't regurgitate my past too often but this weekend it felt right to me. I know the areas that need work because I get stuck and feel a little sick to my stomach. I have to take a break and begin again. 

I have healed my sad story by seeing the courage of my young self and I did beat the odds that were against. I was smarter than I ever gave myself credit for no matter what successes I had. I feel good today and happy to able to share my journey here. 

 

Daily forgiveness and lies we tell ourselves

 I am still doing my daily out loud forgiveness. Saying the names of the three people I still feel resentment towards sometimes. It doesn't seem like lip service anymore and it really doesn't seem like anything at all. The solution is always inside my own head but it has taken this long to get to the point where I know I have the solution.

The brain is the collector of all the things we have ever experienced the words that have been said to us and the things we have seen. Repetition is the root of all the negativity we have experienced  Starting with when we are young and a  seed of negativity planted by someone we thought knew everything or someone that loved us or maybe someone that was trying to help.

For me it started when I had problems in school.  The first week of school ending up in the hall of Mrs. Outz's class a women my mother went to college with. This was stressful and was the beginning of a long life of just not fitting in really. I quickly got the impression that there was something wrong with me and it was very upsetting to my my mother.  

She addressed this as a discipline problem and up the number of whippings I received then put me on a sugar free diet.  In the second grade I had my eyes tested and I am legally blind without my glasses.  This did help my grades a lot but not really my behavior.  There was some discussion of medication but my parents didn't like the idea and although they weren't hippies but they did think diet was important hence the no sugar regimen. 

I even spent a few months in special ed with Bobby who lived on my street. I thought it was strange that they gave me this time off from class to play with Bobby who obviously had some serious problems. The truth is no one could explain why what we were doing in class was so important.  It seemed so dull to me I could think of a million different things I could be doing with my time. 

When my mom got cancer in the third grade the focus shifted to her and I had to figure things out for myself.  I had to make myself invisible as much as possible and entertainment myself. This led to many hours in our basement alone coming up with projects constantly creating things. I had some friends mostly younger kids who didn't mind having a leader to follow.  I made things fun and no one got into trouble. It was a good time in my life but it did shape the person I became.

I have always believed that I am a problem and even to this day I try to not bother people if I don't have to. I am self sufficient in every way possible which makes me come across and not needing anyone. I am sure my exes would agree with that. They wanted someone who didn't need anything from them and could be autonomous. I remember the few times I needed emotional support they ran away.

This how I have become me. The difference now is that I don't think I am a problem. The child in me learned that a long time ago.  I have made it a habit to not ask for help because in the past I haven't gotten it from the people that said they loved me. The difference now is that I know it is not my fault. Humans are messed up and we live alone in our heads with only our own feedback. We hurt the child in others as well as the child inside without even realizing it.

I am constantly listening to what I am telling myself and when it is negative I ask myself "why do you believe this?" It is always the patterns we have laid down in our brains that we have repeated over and over again. We have to make an effort to stop repeating and replacing them with positive thoughts about ourselves.

My 21 days of forgiveness is an exercise of re-writing the past and replacing the bad with the good. My point is that we have the power to stop the words in our own mind. We can stop believing they are true and get out from under the lies we tell ourselves. We can experience freedom for the first time.

Depression - Fighting Back - Lies I told myself

My friend who is going through a bout of depression and grief called me yesterday and wanted to spend the night.  It is a good weekend for me since I am off today and tomorrow.  I want to help but not feel responsible for her.  We talked a lot about what she is thinking and saying to herself.  I know all those thoughts intimately since I experienced them myself and really couldn't convey to other people the total lack of feelings I had for life or anything in general.

It was like going down memory lane for me and I showed her the cartoon by Hyperbole - Depression - Part I and II.  Until I saw this cartoon I thought that what I was feeling was unique to me the lack of desire or even sadness virtually no feelings at all.  Until the point of feeling nothing I had longed to stop being sad and stop crying until there was nothing. Nothing felt like a relief at first and then it stayed so long I didn't want to live anymore.  The idea of doing something about that thought seemed like too much work.

A wanted so bad to be somewhere else or really to be someone else.  I wanted a different life somewhere in the future.  I wanted time to just move on.  As long as I wanted something else I stayed stuck. It was only when I finally gave in and just laid in the nothingness and accepting that this was my life that I started to feel better.  I stopped beating myself up for not being someplace else.

I should have gone to the doctor but I didn't have real insurance and didn't want to pay out of pocket. It was the recession and I felt like I couldn't afford to pay for it.  I was at the lowest place in my life and my judgment was bad. 

I am not against medication I do think that sometimes it dulls people down so that the real issues don't get a chance to come to the surface.  With my friend I keep these opinions to myself. She is grieving ending a 25 year relationship and starting over.  This is the first holiday solo and that is always harder than you think it will be. They have her on many meds at this point.

I have suffered a lot and I have also learned a lot from my suffering. I am happy and free today for the first time I don't feel like I need to work on myself.  I just feel like I can enjoy the day as a whole and complete person.

We are naturally self - absorbed and being depressed can magnify that to a point that you are living in a bubble and for me I really didn't want anyone trying to break that bubble.  Every suggestion or idea that someone had for me my mind rejected.  I had to find my way out of the darkness sort our the lies I was telling myself about the mistakes I had made in the past or the idea that I wasn't lovable.

I had to fight back and start being my own Prince Charming and love and take care of my own needs.  You need to be healthy to attract healthy.  You need to be healthy to be free and happy with the life you have been given.  I can love myself now whether anyone else loves me or not.

I feel strong enough to emotionally be there to support my friend without taking on her sadness. It was grace and hard work that brought me back from the darkness and I hope she will find her way. 

It is clear to me now - the truth - the spiritual self - the mind

It is becoming clear to me now. I have spent a great deal of my life working on myself. Weaving through my sorted upbringing poking around in every dark place of my existence trying to rid myself of what was ailing me.

I think I have done a pretty good job overall. First the program and the steps that clearly led me down the right path of looking inward. There was initial moments of great revelation when I could see how my thinking was hurting me. I used every tool offered and made my life better but I didn't find the joy I was hoping to find.

I eventually through life's circumstances lost what peace I had gained. I went back to the beginning and to what had worked before. The words all felt empty to me I wasn't the same person anymore. My mind wanted more and nothing could be done.

So I decided to look to other spiritual means. First Byron Katey her talks seem to resonate with me she came back a new person after some sort of mental or spiritual episode. I could relate to that. "The Work" peaked my interest I understood what she was trying convey but it was her journey and ultimately I moved on. It was too simpel ironically I did like that she could but the whole spiritual process on one page.

I then turned to A Course In Miracles my mind was really turned on by the complexity of this book. It felt like the Bible but wasn't the Bible, which worked for me at the time, it was the wordy writings of a PhD and intellectualized concept of spirituality. A big giant puzzle for the mind. Just like the Bible it would take a lifetime of devotion just to scratch the surface. If I wanted that I would stick with Bible it is more interesting and certainly has more history to back it up.

What was I  looking for? I was looking for something that would give me an edge. Some kind of super power over this world that I live in something to make me feel I am special an taken care of. That I have stumbled upon the one secret that makes me exempt from more pain and loneliness. A set of instructions a membership in a special club for the enlightened. I had a dream.

What I realize now is that I have had that all along. I was born with my own spiritual compass and that even though life dumped all that stuff on me I still had to power beneath it all to find my way back. It was the mixed information that was given to me that mad it less clear. Deep within my spiritual self has been trying to bring me back to that moment. Every decision made by my spirit leading me back to the person beneath it all.

I have to trust myself to uncover the lies that I have I have been told especially the ones I have told myself. The ones that make it all too complicated the ones that say I am not worthy of love and the list my mind gives to prove this is true. I have to reach down deep and stand up for myself to myself and face those lies.

If I can do that I can stop trying to find the ever elusive truth and start having fun. I have no idea what that means at this point. I have to know that the spiritual truth is in me and that truth will set me free. It is all so clear to me now.

Why is my mind trying to kill me?

I am not sure why but since I got home I have felt pretty depressed. I was happy to leave the dysfunction of my sister's life and felt really good driving home but once I arrived I became really sad.

I spent yesterday doing chores and then went out with a friend for dinner. Today has been a struggle to stay positive about anything. The thoughts that were streaming through my head had to do with how I got here in my life.

This thought is a trap for me because I do blame myself sometimes for where I am. On my best days I can brush off those blaming thoughts but other times they take me down. Today I kept moving and didn't crawl back into bed like I wanted to.

The thoughts were still there telling me that this is how I am going to feel forever, so what's the point in living. This feels real bad and isn't rational. When I get into this place it scares me and I am not sure what to do.

Today I finished doing some things around the house. I got dressed and headed out. I ended up at the movies and saw The Girl With a Dragon Tattoo. It was violent but really well done and distracted my mind long enough to get me back on track.

On my way home from the movie I thought about what Eckert Tolle said about the ego and its only job being to keep you from being at peace. Why does my mind want to kill me? It isn't rational the ego mind and doesn't care that if I go it goes with me.

I get mad that I feel helpless on days like today and mad that I can't do anything about it. Will I be like this forever? Will I ever feel like myself again? The reality is my life is pretty good. But depression isn't about facts.

I have a lot of faith and know that this too will pass. One day, hopefully soon, my life will make sense to me. Everything will be revealed or maybe not.

Depression isn't something that is logical and you can't really talk yourself through it. You can say to yourself that it isn't real and it isn't permanent.

I will be with friends for the New Year. We are going to ashram for 24 hours. Cut off from the usual celebrations. Singing, meditation and yoga will be on the schedule. Yummy vegetarian food will be eaten and that should help my holiday expanding waistline.

Happy New Year. I will be glad to see this year go.