Shutting out the noise - Choose Peace

I could write about state of the our nation but I will leave that to others let's face it we have address our own lives and decide whether to let these things control us by filling us with fear.  I don't believe in the good old days every decade has sucked for someone somewhere. Life is full of scary things.

We have to just decide how to move on with the world that is presented to us today. Every intelligent awake person could see this coming a mile away.  I told someone that if he loses it will take tanks to get him out of the White House. He lives only in his mind and has no connection to reality. Surrounding himself with only people that agree with him. The "emperor's new clothes"comes to mind. 

Okay just a little politics.  I have been easing back into work and enjoying the little quiet time I have left and doing a lot of writing. Like I have said before I am writing my life story because it helps me to know where I am emotionally and what areas are still buried. 

In this process I have been doing a little fact checking and realized that my mental timeline has been off. Things actually took months not years. I believe that everyone has their version of the truth. When we have been hurt deeply we make up the story of that hurt and we carry it with us for as long as it serves us. We repeat the story to ourselves and depending on how creative we are we smooth over the details and maybe embellish them.

The worst thing we do is let the story we tell ourselves create a permanent scar on us emotionally. We then have to walk around as wounded adults that need to be fixed. For me I have carried the burden of my own story all my life and I have the embellished facts of my story to back me up. My story was the idea that I was not lovable.

Writing it all down even though very emotional and painful at times. Painful enough that I had to stop and take a break also lets me place these memories outside myself. It is more like a character in a novel and not really me anymore. It puts distance between the part of me that gets stuck in the past. 

Holding on to what hurt us keeps it alive while those that hurt us live on without a thought about what they did. Most of the people I have loved never really saw me and weren't capable of shared love. They couldn't show love or emotion except maybe anger. This is how I grew up and this kind love felt so familiar to me and I have picked it again and again. I know how to be invisible and I know how to be autonomous. In the past decade I have learned to love and take care of myself. I am no longer waiting for others to value me to value myself.. This has felt like freedom.  

When I write about my life I sometimes feel it is totally narcissistic but I get a sense of healing. I chance to see just how far I have come. I guess it takes a lifetime.

I know the world is an overwhelming place right now but we can only live minute to minute. We can  choose peace by finding a quiet place even if that sitting in car somewhere to just soak in the silence.Turn of the the news and our phones for 15 minutes and just soak up the silence.  Of course I recommend writing without censoring what is being written. The mind is always trying to heal itself. 

 

More lies I tell myself - 4th step work - Villains in my story

I have written 16000 plus words in the last 24 hours. It wasn't intentional but I began to write the story of my life as now view from where I am today.  I always ask myself if this is healthy for me or is it someway to put down deeper grooves in places in my brain that I am trying heal.

I think the love affair with our story can keep us stuck forever if we want. It is only in our own mind and anyone that we include in that story has no input in the story we have created. They can't defend themselves or explain what they were thinking at the time. It is just our version of the story.

We can make them the villain and us the hero whenever we want.  I know most people will think that they know exactly what happened and why the other person was wrong and they were right.  This of course how we live with the choices we have made and the wrongs that have been done to us.

I get it.  It is how we cope with the nature of what life dishes out to us. Our brain just keeps washing over these details until we feel better about them or more justified in the pain we carry inside. Again the other players not able to defend themselves.

Over the years I have done this kind of writing first really a fourth step and then again years later to see how far I have come healing the hurts. With every pass I see less and less pain towards the villains in my story. I can see just how screwed up my own thinking was when I entered these situations. Can I forgive them - Can I forgive myself. It comes down to our motives and there motives. 

I have forgiven just about all of the villains in my story except really one. My stepmother. I am not sure why I feel this way. Maybe because she was the one person that had the opportunity to change the course of my life. If she had been a better person and realize I was just a girl who had just lost her mother. She could have made me feel safe and loved. I know she had her own problems. 

Don't try to talk me out of this it won't work. I know intellectually that hurt people hurt people and I have done my share of hurting people. Her words her actions made my then developing brain believe that I was not enough and that to be loved I had to earn it. I had to be whoever another person wanted me to be. To be me was just not good enough.

I have to be honest after the writing I have done I was getting this message before she entered my life. I was a unique child and ask a lot questions. I was got whippings in name of love for having a mind of my own. Nobody appreciates independent thinkers. 

In my experience we are just weirdos alone on our on paths. I have been lucky to learn slowly to embrace myself and find a niche that doesn't draw too much attention to my uniqueness. I can do what I want and enjoy my life in the shadows. I have had my time in the sun and enjoying my anonymity. 

I think writing is good it has saved me plenty of times. Writing in my journal and especially writing here. I don't regurgitate my past too often but this weekend it felt right to me. I know the areas that need work because I get stuck and feel a little sick to my stomach. I have to take a break and begin again. 

I have healed my sad story by seeing the courage of my young self and I did beat the odds that were against. I was smarter than I ever gave myself credit for no matter what successes I had. I feel good today and happy to able to share my journey here. 

 

Writing -Symbolism - Passion - Spark

I started a new creative writing class at the local college last week.  The teacher was just what you might imagine a writing teacher might look like older heavy set and looking like he probably smokes a pipe and hangs out with other writers too many nights a week at the local pub.  He spent most of the time name dropping about a local famous writer he knows and what they discuss about writing ending the evening telling us the sacrifices we we would have to make to become a good writer.

During the middle of the evening he gave us examples of terrible writing mistakes his students have made and even one that self published and didn't take his advice and the novel flopped. I felt bad for him because it was clear that maybe life hasn't turned out like he imagined it would or maybe it did. 

As an adult and getting a degree at 40 I encountered a lot of unhappy teachers just like when I was in high school some that inspired and some that read the newspaper everyday during class.  A good teacher can inspire you like my high school literature teacher Mrs. Myers she taught me about symbolism.  Being raised by fundamentalist I had know idea that writers could be using symbolism and the stories could mean a lot of different things. We translated Ray Bradbury's - Something Wicked this Way Comes - it was like solving a puzzle.  I still have that same book.

I love that words can make you think and question the truth you have carried in your mind all your life. When I read Scott Pecks - A Road Less Traveled where he talked about the Bible and all the symbolism I decided to take a second look at Christ's teachings.  Before that I had abandoned my childhood religion thinking I would never be able to live up to those strict standards.

As far as my teacher goes I am going back tonight with our homework.  This is a list of our strengths number 12 - 1 in our ability to write.  I of course I do not buy into his idea of suffering for the word or for anything else.  You make commitments to things or people you are the most passionate about and sometimes those passions can wane and the excitement just isn't there this is when the commitment keeps you going until something sparks the passion again.

Everything and everyone I love in life started out passionately a feeling that is impossible to maintain.  You can abandon it all and begin again losing the time an energy invested to skip off to something or someone more interesting or you can stick with it until a moment when you feel that spark again.

Sometimes you just have to get away from things or even people you love to get a different perspective.  The holidays gave me an opportunity to step back from my work.  I have to admit I do love it but it has taken over my life.  When I had extra time off I decided to try harder to do things outside of work like taking this class.  I have also been working on a few other projects around the house.  I have been a lot happier and even more inspired at work so it must be working.

I am looking forward to class tonight even though he was a Debbie Downer.  I took the class to force me to spend more time writing.  Wish me luck. 

The truth about writing

I have done a lot of writing recently but not anything I would want to be public. Journaling is one of the fastest ways to get to the real issue behind whatever current pain that I am suffering. When I am in denial I avoid writing pretty much completely I literally have gone years without my first love because secretly I knew that the truth would surface and I was not ready for it. If I am honest in my writing and get past the part about what I did today I can really make progress. The ugliness of my fear spills out onto the page and I am done with it for the moment and sometimes for good. So I have made a lot of progress this week and for that I am grateful.