I am not sure why but since I got home I have felt pretty depressed. I was happy to leave the dysfunction of my sister's life and felt really good driving home but once I arrived I became really sad.
I spent yesterday doing chores and then went out with a friend for dinner. Today has been a struggle to stay positive about anything. The thoughts that were streaming through my head had to do with how I got here in my life.
This thought is a trap for me because I do blame myself sometimes for where I am. On my best days I can brush off those blaming thoughts but other times they take me down. Today I kept moving and didn't crawl back into bed like I wanted to.
The thoughts were still there telling me that this is how I am going to feel forever, so what's the point in living. This feels real bad and isn't rational. When I get into this place it scares me and I am not sure what to do.
Today I finished doing some things around the house. I got dressed and headed out. I ended up at the movies and saw The Girl With a Dragon Tattoo. It was violent but really well done and distracted my mind long enough to get me back on track.
On my way home from the movie I thought about what Eckert Tolle said about the ego and its only job being to keep you from being at peace. Why does my mind want to kill me? It isn't rational the ego mind and doesn't care that if I go it goes with me.
I get mad that I feel helpless on days like today and mad that I can't do anything about it. Will I be like this forever? Will I ever feel like myself again? The reality is my life is pretty good. But depression isn't about facts.
I have a lot of faith and know that this too will pass. One day, hopefully soon, my life will make sense to me. Everything will be revealed or maybe not.
Depression isn't something that is logical and you can't really talk yourself through it. You can say to yourself that it isn't real and it isn't permanent.
I will be with friends for the New Year. We are going to ashram for 24 hours. Cut off from the usual celebrations. Singing, meditation and yoga will be on the schedule. Yummy vegetarian food will be eaten and that should help my holiday expanding waistline.
Happy New Year. I will be glad to see this year go.