Relationship Zombie - Too late to take a leap

We had such hopes for 2021 but it looks like we will have to hold on a little longer. I am sad for the Texans that expected to have their state make sure they had electricity and water.  This same event did happen a decade ago and many promises were made but just like every human on earth it doesn't take long before it is business as usual.

How can we ever get the people in charge to choose people over money. I really don't think it is totally about greed I think it is about the game of achievement. Most of the successful people that we know are focused on the next moment the next thing and are disconnected from the reality of the people they are affecting. 

They are just filling their 24 hours the same as the rest of us and just like us are so far removed from what is happening to other people.  I feel that way myself on weeks where I am so busy I don't remember much about what happen. 

This week we had a death of someone that made their wealth spewing hate without any regret. Spending the last six months on this earth inflicting as much damage as possible. I know his persona started out really as a joke just being as absurd as possible.  The more outrageous the more popular he became and the more rich he became.  Getting lost in the person he had become with addiction underneath. 

I think at some point there is no turning back, even if you want to, there is that moment where you become who people expect you to be it is just easier to go with it. We have all done it to a certain degree just went along because this is what is expected. We feel empty and too afraid to take a leap of faith to shake things up. What if every one leaves me and I am alone and no one loves me?

I wish I could say I took that leap willingly but it was forced on me because I had become a zombie even if I couldn't see it myself. I was always doing what I thought other people expected me to do instead of searching for my own inner dreams. I didn't mean to become a zombie but I wanted to be loved and this is how I earned loved by giving you what I thought you wanted. 

I didn't think I was lovable unless I met your every need before you even asked. This resulted in my love being flat and predictable and invisible. It is human nature to like things to be the same and also be attracted to excitement at the same time. Someone else took the leap to make there new dream happen leaving me behind.

I am grateful to be myself today even if my life is different. I can be at peace with the person I have become today. I am also grateful to have power and water. I do wake up every morning and stating out loud the things I am grateful for this includes - Hot shower - my house - my car - my neighborhood - my city - my state - my country and the world. Silly I know but it wakes me up to what is important.  You never know about tomorrow.

Labels we give ourselves - Fear - I am still here

I seemed to be in a time of peace personally regardless of how my last post sounded.  It is rare for me to just have a longish uninterrupted time period when I am not filled with some kind of mild anxiety. It usually comes in the form of not doing enough. Wasting precious time without accomplishing something.

This holiday period feels different to me despite the fact that we are surrounded by death and our leader is totally uninterested in even talking about it. As I have mentioned before I lived with a milder version of this type of personality and the best way to cope is to not react to them at all. The media can't help themselves and when he is gone - just like with my relationship - life will seem dull and empty. 

At first you feel relief and then it feels as though something is wrong. You chase around looking for something to fill the void that has been left. You are addicted to the chaos of living day to day on the edge of something. We are a country that thrives on reality TV because we can't stand our own company. The news networks will be in withdrawal when this is over and it will be over.  

Like it or not this is just another form of addiction the need to be entertained every minute afraid to address the dark thoughts we have about ourselves. These thoughts stem from how we interpreted our lives when we were children and not fully formed. To heal we have to address the lies and see that they are holding us back. 

I have never faced the fears I have about myself willingly. I had to have mental breakdown that left me void of all feelings before I faced my own fears. I gave up all the attachments I had that defined who I thought I was. I realized that no matter what I lost I was still here a human still on this planet.

The labels I had created for myself that were gone didn't keep me from existing. The idea of who I was that didn't fit anymore and were just in my own head. My own story created with the character of me was only in my head and I had to move on.

Today I am enjoying reading something that has required too much focus for me over the past few years. Reading saved me when my first husband left. I slept with 10 to 20 books in the space he vacated in my bed sometimes so many I barely had enough room to sleep. Mostly self help but I was looking for the answer to my painful life. To read for pleasure seems so strange.

The virus has a lot of us alone with our child within and we are forced to cope with our fears. It feels like we are being chased and if we turn around it will be over. This is not true no thought can hurt us unless we believe that it is more than a thought. My lie was that I was unlovable that something at the core of me made me different than other people and made me unlovable. 

Where did I get the idea I was unlovable it came from feeling like I was a burden to my family because I was high energy and excited about life.  I had a million questions and a million more creative ideas to pursue and life's routine was slowing me down. As a child I couldn't believe people could be happy with what they were doing day to day and not questioning wasting so much time.

Okay enough of the soap box.  I am grateful for the life I have lived and my circumstances now. I am grateful that I am a driven person always getting things done. I am also grateful for the devastation that made me see that without this drive I was still a whole and complete person. It made me lean into nothingness and seeing that it couldn't hurt me. 

Losing my identity gave me the chance to start over and with no work on my part I could slowly pick up the pieces that still felt like me and leave behind everything else. I could accept the fact that I would never be the same and look forward to the new me. Maintaining who I thought I was was exhausting.

I have five days off for the holiday and I am just puttering around the house doing what I want.  I don't have any projects on my list yet.  I am going with the flow and resting while I can which is nice.

Have a Merry Christmas even if you are social distancing and know good or bad "this too shall pass".