I deserve better - games our mind plays on us

I am working on my art and feeling great today.  It is my birthday three day weekend and I have been waking up earlier and working on a portrait drawing method called "Atelier" I think that is the right spelling.  It is a drawing method that is very mechanical and tedious and a real challenge.  The point behind it is that your own eye doesn't really see what is there.  It fixes things that it sees based on what it has seen before.

This made me think that this is the way we see life in general.  Our version of the truth filling in the parts that we don't understand or really can't accept.  We all do it explaining away what someone meant or why they hurt us.  We just can't imagine they did those things on purpose.  Our version is easier to swallow and keeps us in the game.

I watched a psychiatrist explain that when you get stuck for a long time it is usually because you don't want to make the other person out to be the bad guy.  We take on the behavior of the other person as our fault.  Instead of saying that the other person did not treat us right and we didn't deserve to be treated that way no matter where they were coming from. 

This is me I have always blamed myself for not being good enough. This was disguised by my explaining away someone else's behavior instead of just letting them go first physically and then emotionally. 

For me it is the thought that "I deserve better" in my own mind I was never too sure that was true. I had labeled myself as a problem early on because to my family I was a problem. I felt honored that people would be my find friend or my partner for that matter.  I was so lucky to find people that would put up with me. 

I worked hard to keep those relationships by being of service. I would anticipate the needs of others hoping to keep those relationships alive.  I wanted to be loved and I learned early if you do stuff for other people it makes them happy and they definitely like you better.

This of course is giving with strings attached and it is often very one sided.  It is at the core of all of my suffering and it leads to the draining of my soul and my energy.  Nice people are good to have around when you need them. 

I am not saying you shouldn't give and I have given a lot but when you are doing it because it is expected or because it makes a you see yourself as a nice it can ultimately drain you of all your energy.  

I have given to those I have loved and it never occurred to me that it wasn't without strings. I saw my mother give until she was invisible and then she got sick. She was taught that this is what God wanted her to do. In all the pictures of her she wasn't smiling and if she was it did not seems genuine. She had to get sick to be taken care of. 

I know now that my mind as well as my eyes tell me what I want to see and hear.  It is nature's way to deceive us when reality doesn't quite measure up. I have painted a rosy picture many times when I just couldn't handle reality. I am happy to have found a new passion with my art something I have wished for all my life but never thought I was as good as a real artist should be.  

I had a good birthday and heard from a lot of people that love me just the way I am. It is nice to feel free and happy without the inner critic running my life. Happy birthday to me.

Labels we give ourselves - Fear - I am still here

I seemed to be in a time of peace personally regardless of how my last post sounded.  It is rare for me to just have a longish uninterrupted time period when I am not filled with some kind of mild anxiety. It usually comes in the form of not doing enough. Wasting precious time without accomplishing something.

This holiday period feels different to me despite the fact that we are surrounded by death and our leader is totally uninterested in even talking about it. As I have mentioned before I lived with a milder version of this type of personality and the best way to cope is to not react to them at all. The media can't help themselves and when he is gone - just like with my relationship - life will seem dull and empty. 

At first you feel relief and then it feels as though something is wrong. You chase around looking for something to fill the void that has been left. You are addicted to the chaos of living day to day on the edge of something. We are a country that thrives on reality TV because we can't stand our own company. The news networks will be in withdrawal when this is over and it will be over.  

Like it or not this is just another form of addiction the need to be entertained every minute afraid to address the dark thoughts we have about ourselves. These thoughts stem from how we interpreted our lives when we were children and not fully formed. To heal we have to address the lies and see that they are holding us back. 

I have never faced the fears I have about myself willingly. I had to have mental breakdown that left me void of all feelings before I faced my own fears. I gave up all the attachments I had that defined who I thought I was. I realized that no matter what I lost I was still here a human still on this planet.

The labels I had created for myself that were gone didn't keep me from existing. The idea of who I was that didn't fit anymore and were just in my own head. My own story created with the character of me was only in my head and I had to move on.

Today I am enjoying reading something that has required too much focus for me over the past few years. Reading saved me when my first husband left. I slept with 10 to 20 books in the space he vacated in my bed sometimes so many I barely had enough room to sleep. Mostly self help but I was looking for the answer to my painful life. To read for pleasure seems so strange.

The virus has a lot of us alone with our child within and we are forced to cope with our fears. It feels like we are being chased and if we turn around it will be over. This is not true no thought can hurt us unless we believe that it is more than a thought. My lie was that I was unlovable that something at the core of me made me different than other people and made me unlovable. 

Where did I get the idea I was unlovable it came from feeling like I was a burden to my family because I was high energy and excited about life.  I had a million questions and a million more creative ideas to pursue and life's routine was slowing me down. As a child I couldn't believe people could be happy with what they were doing day to day and not questioning wasting so much time.

Okay enough of the soap box.  I am grateful for the life I have lived and my circumstances now. I am grateful that I am a driven person always getting things done. I am also grateful for the devastation that made me see that without this drive I was still a whole and complete person. It made me lean into nothingness and seeing that it couldn't hurt me. 

Losing my identity gave me the chance to start over and with no work on my part I could slowly pick up the pieces that still felt like me and leave behind everything else. I could accept the fact that I would never be the same and look forward to the new me. Maintaining who I thought I was was exhausting.

I have five days off for the holiday and I am just puttering around the house doing what I want.  I don't have any projects on my list yet.  I am going with the flow and resting while I can which is nice.

Have a Merry Christmas even if you are social distancing and know good or bad "this too shall pass". 

 

Writing -Symbolism - Passion - Spark

I started a new creative writing class at the local college last week.  The teacher was just what you might imagine a writing teacher might look like older heavy set and looking like he probably smokes a pipe and hangs out with other writers too many nights a week at the local pub.  He spent most of the time name dropping about a local famous writer he knows and what they discuss about writing ending the evening telling us the sacrifices we we would have to make to become a good writer.

During the middle of the evening he gave us examples of terrible writing mistakes his students have made and even one that self published and didn't take his advice and the novel flopped. I felt bad for him because it was clear that maybe life hasn't turned out like he imagined it would or maybe it did. 

As an adult and getting a degree at 40 I encountered a lot of unhappy teachers just like when I was in high school some that inspired and some that read the newspaper everyday during class.  A good teacher can inspire you like my high school literature teacher Mrs. Myers she taught me about symbolism.  Being raised by fundamentalist I had know idea that writers could be using symbolism and the stories could mean a lot of different things. We translated Ray Bradbury's - Something Wicked this Way Comes - it was like solving a puzzle.  I still have that same book.

I love that words can make you think and question the truth you have carried in your mind all your life. When I read Scott Pecks - A Road Less Traveled where he talked about the Bible and all the symbolism I decided to take a second look at Christ's teachings.  Before that I had abandoned my childhood religion thinking I would never be able to live up to those strict standards.

As far as my teacher goes I am going back tonight with our homework.  This is a list of our strengths number 12 - 1 in our ability to write.  I of course I do not buy into his idea of suffering for the word or for anything else.  You make commitments to things or people you are the most passionate about and sometimes those passions can wane and the excitement just isn't there this is when the commitment keeps you going until something sparks the passion again.

Everything and everyone I love in life started out passionately a feeling that is impossible to maintain.  You can abandon it all and begin again losing the time an energy invested to skip off to something or someone more interesting or you can stick with it until a moment when you feel that spark again.

Sometimes you just have to get away from things or even people you love to get a different perspective.  The holidays gave me an opportunity to step back from my work.  I have to admit I do love it but it has taken over my life.  When I had extra time off I decided to try harder to do things outside of work like taking this class.  I have also been working on a few other projects around the house.  I have been a lot happier and even more inspired at work so it must be working.

I am looking forward to class tonight even though he was a Debbie Downer.  I took the class to force me to spend more time writing.  Wish me luck. 

Passion - trapped

I have been watching a lot of documentaries on Netflix. I am not that interested in fiction anymore. Maybe because I have been living in the fantasy inside my head  for so long I not sure I want to spend time in another persons fantasy.

The ones I have been watching are about passion to do complete something and the drive or creative process behind that.  I watched the story of Elmo and his creator and then last night the Indie Games the story behind some of the geeks that are creating top independent video games.

Both stories were similar in that they were passionate and it never occurred to them to do something else instead. The Elmo creator and puppeteer made his first puppet out of his dad's coat lining after watching Sesame Street.  Luckily his dad was supportive and told him to ask next time. His story was what you imagine it would be like if you were born to do something specific.

The geeks were a little different for sure obsessed but because they were pressured to release their games at a certain time their lives were full of stress.  One person coding day and night for years. Some worked in pairs but others were totally isolated for years without money and even without a car. The movie was about the successful ones that have now made millions who are now working on new games.

I could relate to their suffering it reminded me of the time I spent during the recession without customers feeling stressed and trapped wondering whether I should just quit and go back to my previous profession. I had invested so much time and money at that point but with the lack of success I wasn't sure what to do.  I was there alone in the office waiting for customers to come in and at that point the were coming in maybe once a week.

Sometimes you are at a crossroad but sometimes you are way past that crossroad and in a space of complete emotional exhaustion.  In my case when I looked at the jobs out there in my old profession it made me feel physically sick. Mentally I don't think I would have been able to pretend to be excited about a new position during an interview.

I had left that part of me behind and I couldn't go back. Those were some of the worst years of my life and I do feel grateful at this moment that I am busy and happy where I am. It was the right move for me to leave my old profession and it was the right move for me leave that small shop and work for a larger company.

Both decisions were forced on me for different reasons.  They made me have to re-invent myself and accept that the plan I had for my life was going to be different. It didn't make it easier that I was having to do that with my personal life too.

The good news is that I made it and feel like a success.  Even though didn't have millions waiting for me like the game developers did. It all worked out even though I couldn't imagine how it was going to at the time.

In the big picture passion can seem clamorous but in the day to day it can be a grind to stick with something when you can't imagine it will ever end.  The thing you once loved stops being fun but you just have to get up and do it anyway. You have gone too far to turn back.

I love design and I love anything creative.  I am happy that I made through both transitions and work in a field makes good living and allows me to be creative.  Happy to be no longer stuck.

A healing has taken place - There is always more.

I am in full blown remodel mode starting with my kitchen and the downstairs bathroom.  I look at everything in my house and it all feels very tired just like I have been.  I feel a new vitality after the Thanksgiving dip maybe because a more healing has taken place.

I am always surprised that there could be more healing at this point.  I thought I was done. I have been floundering here for what seems like forever waiting for inspiration. I didn't think that I was waiting for more healing.  

In my mind  I have been telling myself I should want more or at least have some kind of idea about what to do next but there has been nothing. I thought maybe my spiritual journey had taken me to a place where I know that finding the next thing won't satisfy me for long so what is the point.

I do know it isn't about the next thing for me anymore but then what should I be doing with my time. It doesn't help that the self-help motivators say "what is your dream - follow your passion?" Without a goal or passion there is something wrong with you. Is that true?

While drywalling and painting this weekend I was listening to 50 Spiritual Classics.  A collection of Cd's about the lives of great spiritual teachers.  I have listen to the Cd's several times during my own spiritual journey and it seems each time I hear just what I need to hear.

This time it was how one person being freed of the ego was an empty vessel waiting for daily direction to fulfill God's purpose for their lives. I heard that it is okay to empty and not in the pursuit of the next thing.

I want permission from someone to not be concerned that I don't have a passion or goal to strive for right now and if I never do then that is alright too.

I feel good right now mainly I think because I have forgiven myself for the mistakes I have made that led me to where am today basically alone. There is really nothing to forgive.  It is just my unconscious  belief that I some how could have prevented it if I had worked harder been a better person then I would not have been rejected.

I realize I have been punishing myself by not letting myself enjoy anything.  I think I divorced myself along with the relationship.  Accepting there was nothing of that person I wanted to keep.

I think I have finally let myself off the hook. I have gone from rejecting myself to being blank to finally starting to take back the pieces of myself that I do like.
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I feel ready to be happy  and whole again I don't feel like parts of me are missing any more. I am especially happy to get my house in order. Less internal work means more time for external work and I am ready.