I am in full blown remodel mode starting with my kitchen and the downstairs bathroom. I look at everything in my house and it all feels very tired just like I have been. I feel a new vitality after the Thanksgiving dip maybe because a more healing has taken place.
I am always surprised that there could be more healing at this point. I thought I was done. I have been floundering here for what seems like forever waiting for inspiration. I didn't think that I was waiting for more healing.
In my mind I have been telling myself I should want more or at least have some kind of idea about what to do next but there has been nothing. I thought maybe my spiritual journey had taken me to a place where I know that finding the next thing won't satisfy me for long so what is the point.
I do know it isn't about the next thing for me anymore but then what should I be doing with my time. It doesn't help that the self-help motivators say "what is your dream - follow your passion?" Without a goal or passion there is something wrong with you. Is that true?
While drywalling and painting this weekend I was listening to 50 Spiritual Classics. A collection of Cd's about the lives of great spiritual teachers. I have listen to the Cd's several times during my own spiritual journey and it seems each time I hear just what I need to hear.
This time it was how one person being freed of the ego was an empty vessel waiting for daily direction to fulfill God's purpose for their lives. I heard that it is okay to empty and not in the pursuit of the next thing.
I want permission from someone to not be concerned that I don't have a passion or goal to strive for right now and if I never do then that is alright too.
I feel good right now mainly I think because I have forgiven myself for the mistakes I have made that led me to where am today basically alone. There is really nothing to forgive. It is just my unconscious belief that I some how could have prevented it if I had worked harder been a better person then I would not have been rejected.
I realize I have been punishing myself by not letting myself enjoy anything. I think I divorced myself along with the relationship. Accepting there was nothing of that person I wanted to keep.
I think I have finally let myself off the hook. I have gone from rejecting myself to being blank to finally starting to take back the pieces of myself that I do like.
I feel ready to be happy and whole again I don't feel like parts of me are missing any more. I am especially happy to get my house in order. Less internal work means more time for external work and I am ready.