Pride verses Self Worth

Over the years I have worked hard and sometimes that work was appreciated and sometimes not. I know I never made what others made because I wasn't willing to toot my own horn. I thought that it was being prideful to appreciate myself or to point out my own accomplishments. I kept quiet and hoped I would be noticed.

It is my fault because I make things look easier than they are and I don't like to let on when something is way more work than it was originally thought. For me it seemed petty to point out the extra time it took to get the task accomplished. It was about the finished product.

Working for myself has made this even harder for me. I can't work for nothing and I have to put a price on my time. It is not that I have to convince the customer that I am worth it it is that I have to convince myself. I have to get past thinking I am being prideful when I value what I do.

I have a friend that charges a lot for her time. She never thinks twice about it. We actually graduated together. She does have a back up income if she doesn't get work. But it is really me and not valuing myself.

When I like someone I want to make them happy and make their dreams come true. Kitchen and bath dreams that is. That statement is also true personally. When I am in a relationship I want the other persons dreams to come true for them even before mine. I of course think they feel the same way but that has been a fairy tale.

This whole way of thinking I realize now is wrong. It is good to be supportive to be a cheerleader on occasion. But when you spend your life on the sidelines cheering at someone else's game there is no one playing your game because you aren't there.

I have to believe that I am valuable. I have to appreciate my own talents and if necessary point it out to others. This isn't pride it is having a since of self-worth.

On the job I save my customers headaches they will never know they would have had. The details of what I do saves both time and money. Yes, you can get it cheaper but you will never get anyone that cares more about you or your project than I do.

Pride goest before the fall. This is what my daddy always said to me.

Seeking Approval - Do I need it?

I seem to be in a pretty surreal place today. Like watching the world from the outside.

I did some journaling on my self worth last night. Given that I almost had a panic attack over defending my worth yesterday. I didn't want to write I didn't feel like a voyage to the deep. I did it anyway. It was helpful to identify where the idea that I am not worthy came from and it is just an idea in my head.

I thought I had stopped letting the opinions of others affect me but wanting recognition is really the same thing. If you want the praise and appreciation it isn't given, you are giving the person the same power. See me, look at me, validate me.

If someone says your great then your great if they say you aren't then they are wrong. If they say nothing at all it leaves a longing that makes you want to try harder. I found in my journaling that the important people in my life never or rarely give approval.

Even worse when I did get that long awaited approval and it came with a critique or in some back handed manner.

This brings me to my greatest tool, the mirror. I had to ask myself, do I withhold praise myself? Do I critique along with praise? The answer is yes. I can honestly say I don't do the backhanded compliment but I am an natural critic always looking to improve. You spot it you got it as they say in the program.

Am I suppose to be mature enough to go through life without praise and validation? If I am not going to take criticism seriously I can't take praise seriously either.

I think I have to say yes. I have to do my best and take both praise and criticism with a grain of salt. Everyone is entitled to their own truth but I don't have to see it their way or convince them of mine.

I can listen and decide whether anything they are saying is true without defense. If I don't take it as an attack I can make changes the will make me a better person. If I can't find anything of value I can decide that it is just another view and move on, holding no resentments.

The situation with the customer taught me something. First the lesson of self-worth and second that I need to be clearer about my fees and send invoices in a timely manner. So this was a good thing for me to experience and I am grateful.

Will I be missed? Fat chance

photo by scottyyoung.com

I have a lot going on in my head these days, so what else is new? The difference is that before when I was down and out I couldn't really feel the emotions. I was in a state of denial and so the emotions were never dealt with in a healthy way.

I was sad and in a lot of pain but it was swirling around constantly I couldn't face what it was really about. I was dumped, after 13 years I was left for someone else blah, blah, blah .... Hey I am not saying it wasn't a big deal it rocked my world. It has taken me four years to come back to the surface.

This week I had a couple of epiphanies. First I took an personality test. I can't help myself I love that kind of stuff more insight. Anyway, my highest score was self-sacrificing, no big surprise really, but what it did say was that that is how I get my fulfillment in life. Anticipating the needs of others is second nature. I give but it is extremely difficult for me to receive.

Two things that stood out to me was that this type of person can be easily overlooked because they are stealth in actions. They do it because it is their nature and enjoy pleasing others. When they are gone they leave a surprising large hole behind. The other thing is that in their personal life they can attract users people that need to be taken care of, not a big surprise. It isn't personal just a good fit.

As a sat on my friends couch, the other night, looking at the street light outside I started to recall the moment of the break-up. What I felt at that moment and tears started flowing, in a good way. I could handle the truth and pain of what happen to me without censoring myself or trying to be brave. It felt like I was in a trance looking at that light and seeing every detail of that moment while the pain drained out of me.

When I love I love big. I put everything into making it work and it is my nature to take care of things and people. The sadness I realized just this week is that it feels like with all that I put into that relationship it didn't matter, I didn't matter.

The sadness is from thinking that I am not missed. That only I suffered from the loss. My own feelings of self-worth is really where this comes from. I don't matter to me.

The truth is I do make a big difference where ever I go. Whenever I put my heart into something, things change for the better. Sometimes in a big way. I was always taught to be humble and God would reward me in the end. Never toot your own horn. Pride goeth before the fall. But it is healthy to know your own self-worth and not depend on outside sources for confirmation. God given talents, right?

The truth is every body makes a difference. Do I think so little of myself that I can't imagine anyone missing me from their lives. I think I just want someone to say so. Fat chance.

I just want some fantasy call that says hey I am sorry I didn't realize just how much you were worth to me. That is not going to happen. I wouldn't be willing to do that either. Pride again. Even now for me to admit there is anything about that relationship I miss, is too much for me.

So will I be missed? I have to know in my heart that the answer is yes. That is what is important for my survival. I bring a lot to the table I commit heart and soul to everything I do. I can't wait for validation that will never come.

I feel so free these days getting the last bits of grief out of my system. I am closer to the person I was at eight before my mother got sick. I can see all of life's possibilities and everything is an adventure. I am going to be ok. I am going to make it.

It has a been a long journey back to my real self and I can't wait to see what is next.

Acceptance - My time is valuable

I am tired today. I was going to take off since I worked Monday but that didn't work out. It has been busy here and I am grateful for that.

I got a call this morning from a referral. The guy wanted a bid on a kitchen and his house is about an hour from here. I said that I had to charge him to come out and it would be applied towards the purchase. He said he called five other people and no one else charged to come out. He said that my time must be more valuable than theirs.

I agreed that my time was valuable and that given the distance I would have to charge him. It is the nature of the business and with the economy people are getting more bids. I have done my share of free estimates and actually I never got a job from someone not willing to pay for an estimate. I am on commission and if I am going to work for free then what is the point.

You could say that I might charm someone into using me but that isn't how it works. When someone is shopping solely on price then I will lose and if you have five bids that is what is important to you. I am service first and foremost and my prices are competitive but I am not the cheapest.

I provide my customers with more than most. It has been hard for me to get to the point of valuing my own time and worth. I have reached a point that I know what I offer will be valuable to some, but not to everyone. God sends me the people that are suppose to cross my path and I learn from each encounter.