Space and time - Let me think about that

I have been considering where I want to go from here regarding this blog and 12 step work. With my recent revelations about being fully awake I wanted to share what I can about how I got here.

Step 12 - Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps try to carry this message to others, and practice these principles in all our affairs.

I am a practical person and always want to cut to the chase. It was never about the journey for me but the destination. When I recently reached, in my mind, the destination, I was devastated. I untied the final knot in the tangle mess I have carried for my whole life and I felt the fear of all fears there was nothing left.

The silence was deafening. I realized that I had created what I had perceived as myself. In all my millions of thoughts I had established the character of myself and maintained the character by reinforcing those opinions with more thoughts. When I repeated my story to others they would help me to reinforce my story. I was stuck in the pain of the events of my life because without the story, who would I be?

This idea occurred to me when the woman who was a brain doctor had a stroke and lost her memory. She said she was free of past pain and could focus on what she wanted to do today. She also said she had to emotionally read people to know whether to trust them or not. She didn't remember them so all she had was her own intuition.

About this time you might be thinking I am nuts and I am. Even though it might sound arrogant to say I have reached the end of my journey but it is actually very humbling. In my mind I made myself the most important thing. My focus on the pain of the past kept me unconscious to the present and all that is before me. I made it complicated because making it complicated makes me more important.

I have some cleaning up to do from the fall out of delving even deeper into self-absorption. I had to go there because I went. There are no mistakes.

Step Nine: Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

Why am I always surprised when there is yet another spiritual awakening. I can't believe I am going to have to say this: it is about the journey and at this point my bags are empty so traveling will be light.

In the words of a great spiritual teacher. How would feel without that thought? Can we let it go of our painful thoughts and free ourselves.

Step 12 - Feel the insanity

I am so up today it actually feels strange. I am grateful that the waves of bad thoughts have passed this week. Today I witnessed someone another person's meltdown and I am feeling grateful for where I am.

It is a hard thing to see your earlier self in someone else and know they are going to have to crash and burn to get better. My business partner is fighting with her husbands ex-wife over child support. Hmm, what is wrong with that statement?

Un-treated Al-Anon with a sober husband and no program for either in sight. It can be done but it has got to be a harder way to go. She gets fired up about all the injustice in the world and wants someone to pay and won't stop until someone does. In this case it is the ex wife who wants more child support.

The story is too long and not really important. Even though my partner is right, it doesn't really matter the pushing and drama is draining spiritually for everyone involved. Including for us at the office but today it didn't let it phase me.

I did try to convince her to take the spiritual high road. Let God work out the details and the the vengeance. I just threw that in to sell the deal.

We see everything from our own limitations and today she was a victim. I was determined to not get sucked in no matter what. I see today so clearly what my program has done for me even though sometimes I feel I haven't made much progress.

Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others and practice these principles in all our affairs.

A grateful student today.

Footnote: The support actually got reduced. God doesn't need our help.