Filling in the blanks - Lesson learned

I slept in this morning really late mostly because I couldn't sleep last night I finally dosed off around 3 AM.  I never really know what causes that but over the years I have decided not to fight it even if I have to get up early the next day.  Luckily today is a day of rest for me so sleeping in is aloud.

I was sitting on my porch with my big cup of hot tea with milk looking at the jungle that is my back yard.  A wave of gratefulness washed me and for the first time in a long time I feel  really happy to just be where I am.

Everything is coming together for me not in a big way but in a lot of little ways producing a big effect. I am beginning to feel safe again.  I am beginning to feel comfortable in my own skin doing what I do best being me.

Picture for bussel sprouts post

I doubted for a long time that I would ever feel the comfort I use to feel.  In the past I only really felt those feelings within the boundaries of a committed relationship.  It was easier to know who I was suppose to be and what I was suppose to be doing.  A relationship always filled in the blanks in my life and I could use it as and excuse if I didn't get to do what I wanted to do.

It wasn't about financial security to me, even though that was really nice, it was about what I thought was emotionally security.  Looking back I can see that used the relationships more like a sedative to quell the unrest I had deep in my heart the unrest caused by the idea that I wasn't good enough.

I spent many years proving I was worthy of love.  Doing awesome things to show just how valuable I was to everyone.  This includes my work life as well as my personal life.  When I was fired after eleven years on the job I lost 240 sick days because a dedicated employee would never put themselves first. I have to laugh now.

I realize now that this has been my life lesson.  It has been repeated over and over in my life since the moment I decided if I played by the rules and was as perfect as I could be people would see how valuable I was and keep me around. They would appreciate me and love me.  I would feel safe.

I know now that the safety I was looking for was inside of me the whole time.  I don't have to prove my worth to anyone but me and the critic in my head.  On my best days I can see just being ordinary is good enough. I don't have achieve superstar status in the eyes of others or in my own eyes to know I will be loved.

I am lovable just the way I am warts and all and I no longer need someone else to confirm that for me. I am happy to end this life lesson of sacrifice and rejection. I don't have to prove anything to anyone but me and that of course is a full time job.

Now that I know that, I think I am actually ready for a new relationship where I am not looking for someone to fill in the blanks for me.  I can do that myself now.

Brussel Sprouts

I wrote a really long post yesterday but for some reason I opted not to post it.  I have spent the past two days in a row off which feels pretty strange these days.

Yesterday I went to our local open market and bought some vegetables.  It is one of those markets where everything is packaged to look like it was pick out of someones back yard. Our needs these days to capture some long lost connection to the good old days while we take pictures of the vegetable and post them on the Internet.

I looked at some lettuce that actually looked fluffed and picture perfect and cost $6.00.  I don't have the budget for fluffed lettuce so I purchased some beets, cauliflower and brussel sprouts.

My mother would be so happy with the cruciferous  vegetables. They are called cruciferous because they have little crosses at the cut part of the stem.  I like strong vegetables mostly because we had to eat whatever was put on the table except the meat. We could leave the table if we ate all our vegetables so we learned to like all vegetables. My parents were ahead of their time.

I don't remember ever seeing a fresh beets or even a canned ones for that matter. We ate a lot of cabbage in our house and I can remember my mother giving me the core to munch on until dinner was ready.  I could never understand peoples hatred for brussel sprouts. I thought they are just baby cabbage but then I had them boiled and it was clear why.

I never met a vegetable I didn't like so I had to come up with a better method for cooking them.

First I think all fresh vegetables are better with a little color on them so I cut them in half, tossed them with olive oil and put them cut side down in a hot cast iron skillet or griddle. Just leave them there until they get brown.  It works like a charm and if not just toss them in butter at the end.

While I was cooking and cleaning today was thinking about my past holidays the ones that were really memorable.  I have to go way back for those perfect memories from my childhood the ones that I have played over and over in mind until every detail was perfect. The truth is those memories are a child's memory. The truth is my mother was already sick and we were just surviving.

Our past are as good or as bad as we choose to remember them. It is our picture to paint and we can choose to see what was good or choose to see what was bad. It is only a memory.

Facing life and finding peace

I guess it is obvious that I have been busy.  There is a lot stress starting your life over and some days I feel I am just not up to it.

 My mind feels old and brittle and I wonder what was I thinking signing up for this. Other days I actually feel like I am exactly where I am suppose to be. Most days I just try not to think at all.

I made it through another Thanksgiving for that I am grateful.  It is part of my story being dumped twice at Thanksgiving I tell myself I shouldn't let it bother me anymore but it does.  This year I just accepted the emotions that flowed over me and they passed quickly. I cooked my first turkey in 6 years.

I am grateful that I am not depressed anymore and that my life is moving forward once again.  I am grateful that today I have everything I need.

My life isn't just about work I am spending my free time drawing with pastels and getting better with each drawing. I also joined an out door painting group and made some new friends. We meet on the weekends and paint outside. The weather has been so nice here evidently we are the only area of the country with sunshine.

It has been good to take a break from writing and focus my creative spirit on drawing. These days I have less words in my head and feel at peace just working hard and finding joy in making art.

Getting my life back into balance - A little time off

What a ride this has been for me.  I think the last post I thought I was closing my business and getting on with my life.  I am getting on with my life but the deal with my partner fell through and now we are in limbo.

I have been too busy working an average of ten hours a day to worry about it.  Working in a new place was frightening to begin with, being new, it seemed like sometimes I would never catch on.

My mind told me I was too old to start over working for someone else.  I thought a few times "oh my god I have made a real mistake".

I have to admit it was touch and go there for a while but now I am getting into my own rhythm. People are the same everywhere and customers are the same everywhere.  My desk is piled high with files and I am loving it.

It is a good company, even though there is a lot of drama, I am trying to lay low and work my own program.

I had only one day off a week since I started ( my choice).  This weekend I switched with someone and ended up with three days in a row off.  I feel a little guilty but I am starting to feel burnout just beneath the surface. I been running on adrenalin for three months and it time to bring my life back into balance.

My roommate is working out great.  She is going to a lot of meetings and she seems happier these days.  Her life has been turned upside down and it is a major adjustment.  I know all about that. I am hoping my experience strength and hope will make her journey a little easier. Life just happens sometimes.

I have been keeping up with my art and have discovered pastels. This is my meditation in life and it is a priority for me now.  Even with all the hours at work I am drawing 3-4 times a week.

It is good to get back here and do a little writing.  I have finally set my computer up at home so hopefully I will have a chance to write more often.

Moving on

Well today is the day the ending of my business. I have been totally crazy busy and not looking forward to the face to face meeting at the attorney's office.

Living life from a spiritual point of view and dealing with people who are living solely in this world, my judgement, lets just say is difficult. I have to love and protect myself even in the face of danger and attack. Yes I said danger and attack. Just like in a love relationship what was once love and roses turns into war of the roses in the end.

Why does it have to be that way? I think we make someone an enemy in order to justify our attack on them. You don't want to think of yourself as angry, greedy or mean so they have to be the villain.

I think I am feeling a little residue from my own past intimate relationships today but this time I have to say "I didn't pick this person" or did I?  We were thrown together when we didn't have many options the business was going down and we had to save it. Once that was done the greed set in and now off to the divorce courts we go.

It easy to think you have done it all alone when times are good. At the top of the mountain there is only sunshine. But it has been my experience that you can't live at the top of the mountain for very long. Life is just like that always changing. I have been at the bottom and for me there is no place but up.

My opportunity or lesson right now is to take care of myself. Stand up for myself and know that if I do things because they are good for me and not because they will hurt someone else it is the honest route and God will take care of the rest.

I have moved on mentally, spiritually and physically.  I want this to be over but I am not willing to give it away just for the sake of peace. I do have to support myself.

I can admit I wasn't a great partner and I can admit neither was she. It is time to move on and lets hope that happens today.

Baggage - Leaving my limitations behind.

Travelsupermarket.com

I have a moment this morning before my day begins to write a little something. I was thinking about how nice it is that the people I work with don't really know me. They don't have a preconceived idea of who I am or what my abilities are.

Getting a fresh start helps me let go of the mistakes I feel I have made. I am sure if you asked my ex-business partner about me she could give you a list of my inadequacies and I would in turn be happy to give you hers.

I think about what they tell you in the program about how the people closest to the addicted can't help them. It is true for our side of the table too. We have to reach out to strangers to make progress. I think this breaks the cycle of "she always does this" and in turn " I always do that".  In our close relationships we fill our expected rolls like muscle memory.

We have history with the people we love and they have a stake in our success and we have a stake in theirs. Strangers can be objective they can't judge us by our past. We can step out of our roll as broken or controlling and be someone else. They don't know our secrets unless we tell them.

This past week I heard this guy in my office talking to someone on the phone about me telling him the experience I had and how great my back ground was. This really scared me I wanted to run in there a tell him that is  was before I had a breakdown. I wanted to run in there and tell him that I wasn't that person anymore and he shouldn't have such high expectations.

The truth is that I am that person or a better version of that person. So what if I did have a life changing bout with depression and menopause but I not permanently damage unless I decide that I am.

I can be whoever I want to be today. I can choose to bring my bags full of self-defeating judgements with me or I can leave them in the past where they belong. I can choose to fill those bags with my accomplishments and the fact that I emerged from the darkness a stronger and better person.

I am grateful today for a new start with strangers. I get the opportunity to live one day at a time and be who I want to be today.

A New Life

So life is getting more complicated every day but in a good way. I am loving my new job and I can feel each brain cell awakening one at a time. I am so happy to know that they haven't gone missing permanently.

I haven't had a chance to write mostly because I have been carrying two computers around in my car and frankly I have been too tired to get them out of the car at the end of the day. I don't feel comfortable writing at my new job because I am on the their network.  Besides I am crazy busy when I am there anyway.  I wouldn't feel guilty otherwise because I am commission based so my time is my own.

The next bit of news is I have a new roommate. She is new to the program and is just getting out of a relationship. My sponsor who is also her sponsor let me know she was looking for a place to live. She is moving in this weekend and right now her teeny tiny dog is sitting next to me on the couch while I write this.

She has no furniture and will be taking over the upstairs. I had one of the "this is your life" moments when I cleaned out the upstairs closets. Yuck. It was good for me to get rid of some of the past. My down stairs looks like I just moved in. This is what I am doing today my favorite thing, organizing.

My life has completely changed in one month. I have moved on finally after all these years. I don't envy my roommate just starting the grieving process. It is hard to be rejected it is hard to be forced to re-think your story. The story you thought would be yours forever. It never works out that way ever. Life just comes along with its own ideas about the way things should be.

I will be back to posting more regularly once I can leave my computer set up at home. It all very exciting and I am happy to have what it takes to embrace change.