Happiness - Change - Gratitude

I have been in a little slump this past week and feeling guilty about my lack of gratitude. I haven't felt inspired at work or at home for no reason I can put my finger on.  I remember a friend saying to me one time "do you think you are suppose to happy every day?"  I had to think about that and I guess I did think that then and maybe I do now.

Happiness is a pretty hard thing to define.  I guess for me it is more like contentment and being in the moment. It is only my mind that can ruin the day for me now.  Don't get me wrong day to day stuff can really test you and nobody likes ugly surprises. I don't stay there long I have learned to not let much of anything take away my peace.  It is only thinking of the big picture that disturbs me.

I often think that I should be doing more with my life than I am. Sometimes I think that is just my ego thinking the world can't live without my great talents.  Other times I think the lack of forward action on my part is me not willing to go the extra mile.  Instead when I am not working I find myself spending many hours watching TV or working on my house.

In the past I have had the life where every second was filled with supporting other people. In my personal life, my work life and even my spiritual life. I was always really busy but exhausted all time and over the years I have backed away from those obligations. Now I just encourage the people I interact with everyday when the opportunity arises.

I have spent a lot of my life dealing with some kind of crisis feeling like I just wanted to get through the day.  I felt like this for decades and suddenly my life is only filled with the normal ups and downs and it is unsettling sometimes. This is old patterns of thinking from my childhood just staying a few steps in front of that tiger chasing me through the jungle. With time that feeling of excitement can feel normal and finding peace feeling so strange. I have regrets about those crisis years I missed so many moments of happiness just wanting to be somewhere else.

I am grateful to not be the person I use to be and writing this has helped me to be happy today. The good thing about finding peace is that it gives you time to live life more deliberately.  The good thing about feeling unsettled is that it does eventually motivate you to make changes. I am off to work now and happy to have a job I love.

What is really important - Coping with life

I left work an hour early today feeling a little sad and tired.  The sun hasn't shown itself in a few days that could be part of it but mainly because I also spent the afternoon with a client whose daughter was paralyzed this past year in a car accident. She is only 14 and they are renovating their home to give her better access.

I wasn't looking forward to the appointment because I wasn't sure the state of mind they would be in at this point.  I have been dealing with a friend of theirs until today.  I was surprised by the energy and humor their daughter had. Are we more resilient at 14 or maybe it is the personality that we are born with that decides how quickly we adapt.

I can't image the pain their family has endured to get to the point of functioning again. This is when you think "what is the plan?" Is there some get spiritual plan where this all is happening for a reason?  I am going to say no at this point and yield to my theory that life is random and you just have to make the best of what is handed out to you. I think we are in a better place when we look back and can see the gifts a bad situation has given us. The divine plan helps us to have closure.

I can tell myself to be grateful you have what you have today and that you are not being asked to accept the unthinkable. What about the mother seeing an knowing the trials ahead for her daughter.  What about the drivers involved knowing that a young girl's life has changed forever.  How would you not think about the millions of choices you could have made differently that day to prevent this outcome?

Life can deal out some pretty terrible cards and you just have to keep on playing like it or not. A mother with three other children can't stop an mourn the loss of the dream she had for her daughter. She has to just keep moving that is all anyone can do until healing take place and we accept this is the new norm.

I will say that as humans we can adapt to just about anything thrown at us. Some do it with grace and some do it by diving off the deep end either way it is still coping. We emerged changed forever and in my experience with a new reality about life and what is really important.

The lies we tell ourselves - Living with alcoholism

The week has been full of uncertainty at work with one senior person in our small company accepting a terminal diagnoses and stepping down from their position.  My manager taking on more responsibilities the last few weeks had a heart attack on Wednesday. We have been told that everything is fine and they be back to work tomorrow.

We like to go along thinking things will always be the same I guess that is human nature and how we survive. Mental health and well being is directly related to our ability to adapt to change. I never really saw adapting as a solution to change.  I worked hard to keep things the same or even better to prevent on coming disasters from occurring.

The problem with my own preventative measures is that no matter what I prepared for it wasn't the disaster that actually showed up in my life.  When I lived with active alcoholism I spent most of my waking hours trying to imagine the many possible problem scenarios my husband might get into when he walked out the door.  I some how became responsible for him. 

I didn't know I was trying to control alcoholism I just knew when he was out of my sight bad things could happen.  At first it was smaller more innocent things like losing his wallet or his glasses.  Then he seem to get hurt a lot when he played basket ball at the Y downtown often ending up in the emergency room.  Then there was the tickets never actually a DUI but mostly reckless driving.

At this time in our lives we didn't have any money or health insurance and with everyone of these things it caused a major set back for us.  As time went on it got worse and then it seemed he was never where he said he was going to be and never came home when he said he would. The company he worked for was known for their party atmosphere and once a year had a big weekend party where no spouses were aloud to attend only customers and employees.

One year I got a call at four in the morning towards the end of our marriage asking me to come pick him up.  It was an hour drive and I had to be at work at eight. I didn't go and it turned out this was his first infidelity and he blamed me and of course I blamed myself.

He became a stranger to me and until that time we had never spent a night apart in seven years. I knew I was losing him and I fell into a deep depression.  Nothing was working I tried everything to bring back the person I knew and loved but he was gone. He turned on me a blamed me for everything that was wrong with us.  I accepted that blame because I didn't know any better.

I told myself if I was a better wife then we would be happier. At some point I shut down because I felt paralyzed by the lack control I had. It came to an end one day when he said he didn't love me any more and that he wanted out. I was devastated and forced him to go to counseling.  The sessions started out separately and he would tell them he had a girl friend and they would tell me to move on. I didn't know for almost a year that their was someone else.

I am not sure why I am writing about this today.  I guess the love I had for him really kept me from seeing the problems we had were bigger than the two of us. My thinking I could control him and the outcome kept me exhausted and feeling helpless.

Addiction comes in many forms and is a product of coping with something awful that has happened to us when we are young and don't have the maturity or support to deal with what is happening. It then becomes our way of dealing with life and depending on the substance of choice it can become permanent.

We both experience the death of our mother at eleven and our lives were chaos from then on. I turned to control and he turned to booze as a way to stay sane. His dad drank for three years after the death of his mother and he had plenty of access and no supervision.

We were a perfect match two broken people with similar needs. It was like I lost a part of myself when he left and I really never got over that loss. I think because for a long time we were like one person and we understood each others pain. I could not follow him when he left me for the drink. The women were just a part of the escalation of the alcoholism.

He married the other woman and they have stayed married.  The last time I saw him a week before their wedding he told me that he would never love anyone the way he loved me. He was lying of course always playing to the audience in the room. He sent me a letter later on making amends to me for making me the villain.

We make our own pain complicated and we drag the people we love down with us. We run thinking that we can get away from that monster chasing us in the dark. We are kids when this habit begins and if we could just have the courage to stop and turnaround and face it head on we can see it isn't real. It is just lies we have told ourselves that can be revealed. We aren't broken we just believe we are broken and it is this belief that keeps us where we are.

I am at peace today and know that I am free from my own monsters for the first time. I only wish I could help other people see just how simple it really is and I didn't have to spend decades suffering to find freedom from the pain. The lies we tell ourselves keep us stuck forever.

Today I try to roll with what is happening today and don't try to control things anymore. Life just on and magically things just work out.  We aren't always happy with the results but we get over it. 

EMDR -damaged without hope - Choose again

Today I decided to use the EMDR sound plus music therapy that is used to address trauma. I thought 15 minutes as part of meditation would be a good idea.  Just like all my meditations my mind was all over the place until I arrived in my childhood home.

I was in our den with the braided oval rug and I can see my mother now laying on the teal couch that Lurlene from our church had just recovered for us.  My mama spent most of her days sick on her favorite couch. She never had chemo therapy just radiation but food was the enemy for her and when she was sick this is where she stayed..

In the meditation she could see me as I am now and she called me over and took my hands.  I told her I didn't know she was going to leave us and she said that she was sorry for not telling me the truth. She took my hands in hers and said "look we have the same hands". She said that I have always been a part of her and that she was proud of who I have become. She offered to let me lay on the couch with her but since I am not a child I am too big. I laid my head on her chest and she stroked me.  I cried the whole time and I am still crying just writing about it.

All my life my memory of my mother has be from a distance.  I could see her and remembered things she did but I never remembered what she said or recognized her as a flesh and blood person. I thought it was because I had forgotten and not because I was blocking the feeling of loss. I have never let myself feel that loss. I have felt it through other losses in my life but the one true loss I had I never really acknowledged. I was a child and I didn't know how to deal with it so I put it away forever.

I always thought I was a burden to my mother when she was sick.  I was strong willed and tried to be good but I never was sure what I was doing wrong. Seeing her in my meditation she felt like a real person and not some far away dream of a voiceless person.

The way EMDR is suppose to work it that the eye therapy, sound or tapping distracts the conscious mind and lets unconscious memories of thoughts come to the surface. I am not an expert but I have had two breakthroughs that have helped me to address beliefs I have had about myself my whole life. The reason I think "I am not enough"  the reason I think people leave me even if with my mother it was in death. My child's mind put this idea there and I have built on it with every loss.

I believe that we form our ways of coping with life from a child's perspective. When we become grown up we just take those core views and embellish them to suit our current situation. The brain always takes the simplest route or routine so it is easier not to question our thinking. This is why when we have some life altering crisis we start to question our thinking. It is too hard for most people to give up who they believe they are because without our identity we feel naked and empty.

I know this first hand but this doesn't last long. Even without our identity we are still here and can choose again. We can choose to re-create a happier healthier person by rejecting the idea that we are permanently damaged and without hope.  This is a lie built on the ideas we formed as children.  We can choose again and know that it is only our thoughts and false beliefs about ourselves holding us back.

Whether my meditation was brought on by EMDR or if it is the belief that it  might help me have a breakthrough it worked.  I have been that young girl hold people at arms length because I thought they might leave me like my mother did.  I haven't wanted to take that chance again. Today I can see that and I feel dancing around the house.

Uncomfortable in crisis - Peace is the new normal

I feel like most of the time I am just waking up and seeing life for the first time.  I am surprised every day how lost I have been in my own emotions and thinking to really see things clearly. This past year I have been able to see just how lost I have been in my own version of life.

I never had any specific goals early on I was just trying to survive.  I thought life was just a series of crisis that you had to survive.  Beginning in childhood with a fundamentalist upbringing where God was watching you 24/7 so you better not make a mistake to living with the affects of alcoholism in all of my relationships.

This past year I have been mostly alone with myself cleaning up some of the final issues of my thinking that has really kept me stuck. I have always wanted to feel safe and knowing it or not that is what I have been looking for in every relationship. The idea that their is a safe place is an illusion.

I do believe that in every situation their is a flow that if we don't resist it will bring us comfort.  Early on I had a plan that I thought would make me feel safe.  I was sure if I did every thing right that the result would get me the emotional security I was looking for.

That relationship brought out every insecurity I ever had about being alone and being trapped. It is harder to be alone with someone than it is to be by yourself.  I always remember looking at the people who started out loving me and thinking this person seems like a stranger to me.

I think when a relationship ends the person who wants to leave has to make the other person a villain. If not a true villain then a non person no matter how long you have been together.  They just can't live with their decision to leave unless they can make you a non-person.

We all change over time and start to realize that life is short and we want to find happiness out there somewhere. A relationship in a rut can make you feel dead inside and wondering "is this all there is?"
For some people the lure of a new relationship seems to be the answer to all their problems and it is temporarily. We all know over time we get back to that same place.

I do believe that you can find someone that is more suited for you but they have to have the emotional maturity to adapt to change. I am not interested in a routine that locks me into a place where my mind is not engaged. I want to be with someone that understands that things change and you have to adapt.

I have to admit that being in constant crisis most of my life I was never bored. It has been living with peace that has made me nuts. I had to realize that I was getting a pay off for being so lost in dealing with crisis all the time.  It wasn't until I found peace long enough to decide that crisis felt less comfortable.  Where peace feels normal and I am not willing to give it up for anything.

You will be alright - EMDR Finding Peace

I cam across a technique called EMDR it is either administered visually or by sound.  It is used to address PTSD and has been around for a long time. I saw a therapist on a YouTube stations called "Your Inner Mammal".  The technique is suppose to distract you thinking brain long enough to heal the buried trauma you have. I did research this before and it has been quite effective for some people.

It is recommended that you use a certified therapist for this technique but I am my own therapist at this point so I decided to give it a try.  They have three methods visual, auditory and tapping on alternately on two sides of the body. I am not recommending this for anyone else.

I don't really feel I have hidden trauma all my trauma was right out there in plain view so I just decided to go with the flow. I used the visual clip first and didn't feel anything special then I tried the one with music.  This uses headphones that play music and alternates tonal beeps from the left ear to right ear and is very pleasing to listen to.

I was in my meditation for a few minutes when my mother popped up. She felt physically there and I was a small child again with my arms around here neck. I started sobbing and she said to me "I trusted you and I knew you would be alright no matter what".

You have to understand that my mother and I had a stressful relationship.  I was a "willful child" and had my own ideas about everything and we battled constantly.  I never understood why we had to do the things we did everyday. I questioned everything and ended up getting whipped a lot. My mother was in charge of discipline in our family and she believed in "spare the rod and spoil the child".

I know she loved me but we were at constant odds with each other. She worried constantly about my ability to fit in with the other kids.  I didn't really understand why this was so important to her.  Most of the kids seemed boring to me and I was always looking for adventure.  Besides when you are strong willed diagnosed ADD and raised in a Pentecostal church you have some likability issues.

When she got sick she didn't have the energy to focus on me or discipline me anymore. I have felt guilty all my life that I was such a problem child and that I caused her such grief.  I have felt that she gave up on me at some point because I couldn't be sorted out. 

In my meditation when I heard "I trusted you and knew you would be alright" it felt like relief to me. It wasn't that she gave up and was disappointed in me it was she trusted in my ability to go on without her. I felt she somehow knew I would make it even though I was so young.

This was strange to me that this came up so quickly I haven't been thinking about her or my childhood lately.  I have believed all my life that I am a problem to others.  I don't want to be a burden and have tried to focus on taking care of myself. I have been autonomous emotionally. Spending my time in the background and supporting  other people. 

I felt relieved when I emerged from the meditation.  I felt had really seen my mother for the first time since my childhood.  She was holding me something I that I don't remember happening too often. 

I going to say the therapy was a success for me. I feel I am working towards more freedom emotionally and that works for me.  I am in transition right now purging the past and getting ready for an exciting future.

Embrace Uncertainty - Controlling the Uncontrollable - Clean Slate

I created a chalk board out an old frame I found at a junk shop it is really big.  I wanted a place I could write quotes to remind me to be happy and to keep moving. It was nice to see the big blank space and it reminded me of a meditation I use to listen to that the speaker would say put your problems on the blackboard and use a sponge to wipe them away.  I really liked that visual and the clean slate it left behind even if it was only for a few minutes.

I have left the new blackboard empty for a few days not wanting to disturb the clean slate but yesterday I decided to write something.  "Embrace Uncertainty" - I think this is from Eckhart Tolle's book the New Earth.  I remember when I was in such turmoil about my whole life whether to leave my business and worried about what was going to happen to me.  I felt paralyzed by fear all the time.

When I found that phrase it summed up everything for me.  I wanted things to be certain.  I wanted to know exactly what the future looked like and that I would be safe.  We don't get this ever.  We may have times when we imagine that things will always be exactly as they are but life doesn't work that way. 

I built my life around trying to make everything the same every day so I would be less fearful.  All that did was make me and my life boring and predictable. I felt like I was in a prison.  I thought that a routine would give me peace so when the storms came I would be ready. But what I ended up doing was making me less flexible and always bracing myself every day for the impending storm.

Life throws all kinds of things at you all the time good and bad.  If we can just go with the flow and not focus on wanting to control the uncontrollable then we can move through most anything. It might not have been what we planned but we can find peace in the day we have been given.

This is the time of year for reflection and to look at what is or isn't working for us.  It is hard to give up things or situations that no longer represent who we are today.  It can feel awkward and unsettling at first becoming a new you and this is why resolutions mostly don't work.  We like the familiar and fighting this need for certainty keeps us stuck in places we don't want to be for too long.

Embrace the awkwardness being in that middle place where you haven't quite let go of the old and haven't quite become the new you. It won't feel strange forever and you know it is worth it in the end.