Monday, October 26, 2009
Pain and Shame
I was reading a home grown news letter last week. It was your typical events letter with time and place of local meetings and events. When I got to the end the author had put a personal note about someone in the group. Evidently they had left a long term relationship for someone else and had now been dumped. I guess the author thought that being publicly ridiculed was somehow justified.
I have thought about this all week. I am sure the author thought she was being loyal and protecting her friend by lashing out and everyone probably felt better for about a minute. I have personally suffered the loss of two long term relationships in just this way and while reading this I remember the pain and betrayal that I felt at the time.
The first time I didn’t have the support of the program or really anyone. In my mind I was a victim in every sense of the word and would have gladly publicly humiliated him. This time it was different I had support and the program to work through the pain. I wasn’t a victim and even though I felt sorry for myself I couldn’t really produce the venom of the past.
We all change through the years and sometimes we grow together and sometimes apart. The level of shame the other person feels does not affect us one way or the other. With the program I can accept that we all doing the best we can with what we have. The other person’s pain does not help our recovery. In my heart I knew that something was missing and ultimately God did for me what I could not do for myself.