Saturday, October 24, 2009

Step Two-Came to Believe

Step Two- Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

What this means to me is that it is possible, it doesn't mean that it has happened yet. In my case this process is long and painful. I have to wallow in the mess admit that I have a problem and then believe that I can't fix it. As long as I think I can find a solution on my own I don't need help. When I am exhausted and I have come to a place of acceptance of my powerlessness I am ready to accept help. I just have to be ready and believe that I will some day be restored to sanity. What to do while I am waiting is the hardest part. I am an action person and I can quickly start thinking of possible solutions and I then have to go back to Step One. This is the insanity and why I have to believe that only a power greater than myself can restore me to sanity. All I have to do is believe this is possible.

I have been waiting to be restore to sanity for almost two years and it has been the most painful period of my life. Until recently I didn't believe that I would ever be restored to sanity. I have had more difficult times in the past but I would escape by burying the pain in my work and the rest of the time I would sleep. This time those solutions didn't work for me. I was left to face the pain wide awake. Most of the time I felt like I was an alien visiting from another planet. In the past month I have seen glimpses of sanity and that has helped me to believe that it is possible.

Today's reading in Courage to Change talks about growing at your own pace and this growth cannot be forced no matter how bad we want to move ahead. I have accepted this time of my life as part of God's plan for me. The pain will pass and with the help of the steps and my friends in the program I will emerge stronger than ever. I am only ask to believe.

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