Thursday, May 26, 2011
I watched three tiny birds at the shoreline yesterday running along together. One would get distracted by a quick bite and fall behind. The others would speed along until they got distracted and then the first would catch up.
It made me think about how sometimes we are on the journey with others and sometimes we fall behind and our friends move ahead without us. We might catch up we might not. At the moment I have fallen behind.
I made a decision to put some distance between myself and the office and took an extra couple of days off. Yesterday I decided to just get in my car and go. I ended up at a small fishing town near the beach. I went to a couple of antique shops and then had lunch at an open air restaurant. On my way home I stopped and sat on the beach for a couple of hours.
My head is clearing I am getting some perspective where I have been. Just how far down I have gone and just how self destructive my thoughts have been. My emotions were so strong that I couldn't override them with logic, the way I use to. I thought what I was feeling was fact.
Logically I knew this was triggered by losing my place in life. Losing a relationship that I thought would last a lifetime. Having to move from a home I thought I would live in for the rest of my life and then the economy tanking and putting my own earning power in jeopardy. It was all too much. I couldn't adapt and my body panicked and responded with instant early menopause.
So it is understandable that I have fallen behind. I still can't imagine that I will ever feel safe or happy again. This is why I know I am not out of the woods yet. They say fake it until you make it and for today that is what I intend on doing.
It feels like I have been in this place forever. My friends have moved on at my request. I have worn them out and I have worn myself out being stuck for what seems like an eternity.
I will catch up at some point. One day this all will be a distant memory. The thought of being like this forever is too much.