Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Self Awareness - I can save myself from myself
I have written several new post since my last entry apparently they were just for me because I decided to pitch them. I remember and old comedian that would tell a bad joke and say I just threw that one in for myself.
I wanted to share about something I discovered that I read from a book on personality types. But when I started writing it became too wordy, imagine me too wordy, so I decided to give it a rest.
I have always been passionate about self-discovery and started my search at 13 with Linda Goodmans Sun Signs. In my pentecostal family this might as well have been a how to book on devil worship. I hid my book, purchased in secret with my own money, under the mattress of my bed. Of course I was caught and punished immediately. This just fueled my desire for another one, what a surprise.
My most recent discovery, about a 1,000 self help books later is on Enneagrams. As I read about myself The Artist introverted, self absorbed (my words) and constantly looking for reasons why I am the way I am I had an awakening. It gave versions of healthy, average and unhealthy. Unhealthy was when a person turns inward and retreats to find answers and becomes lost and isolated. Despair sets in and they feel there is no turning back. They start beating themselves up when they realize they created the mess they are in.
It also said this personality developed in this way because as a child they did not relate to either parent. Because of this they created their own world and had to discover who they were on their own using their imagination. Basically they live there, this sounded familiar to me. This ultimately set up a pattern of going inward for resolution instead of seeking outside sources for feedback.
You might think, what is the big deal? Lately I have been headed down a darker road and I couldn't understand why. I just can't function. Nothing has really changed. My life isn't fun but so what it has been worse. The phrase that made something click was, once they start to turn away from others they are going the wrong way.
It is a habit created by necessity as a kid living with dysfunction compounded by the death of my mother. I can see it now and choose something different even if it feels completely counter intuitive. I can save myself from myself.
So I am getting back out there. I will have to see what I can find to occupy my mind in more healthy ways. I am not a puzzle to be solved. I don't regret my nine months away but it has served its purpose and I am ready to move on to the next chapter of my life.
I went with a friend yesterday to the movies and then for a walk on the beach. We finished the day at Cracker Barrel. I went home and worked on some long over due paperwork.