Embrace it or get rid of it. This is what I came up with during my meditation and journaling yesterday. I am where I am and it is my own lack of acceptance that keeps me in turmoil. There isn't really anything in my life now that couldn't be changed.
First my biggest issue is work. Should I stay or should I go? Do I stay and accept the uncertainty or do I get out there and find something else? It is my choice to continue as I am waffling and whining.
Second my house it too big for just me. This isn't really true and it is a great house. It is perfect for me but lately I have also felt like it is another burden. It seems everything in my life is a burden. This view keeps me tired and climbing some endless hill.
Even the small stuff is weighing me down these days. It is my thoughts that make me feel this way, no one is making me do anything but me. So I must embrace those things in my life or get rid of them.
My friend said that was black and white thinking but I don't think so. I see it more as accepting what is or moving on. Bringing your whole self to the party or not showing up at all.
If your on the fence you give other people mediocrity. The weight of indecision or just tolerance doesn't serve anyone. So finding a way to look at the situation so I can see it as my choice instead of seeing myself as powerless is the only answer. If I can't do that I got to let it go.
I have been resisting my life since the break up and holding on the hope that I will feel secure and happy again someday. Why can't that be today? I wasn't happy there for a long time. I was fat from filling my void with food and I developed health problems. This came up today because I am changing insurance and they had questions about my temporary asthma. I haven't had that since the day I left there I was suffocating.
Why can't I accept that being on my own is not some tragic void but an open road with endless possibilities. Letting go of something that is not there anymore anyway, how can that be so hard? Why must I let the past define who I am today? Without the stories or grievances will I be empty?
For me I get really scared every time I decide that something is no longer serving me spiritually. The baggage. Who will I be without it? Free. Free to replace it with something better something that brings me joy today. What if I don't know what that is? So I guess I can stay in the old familiar stories or I can take a leap of faith and make some new ones.
I have been thinking more and more about all the "stuff" we have. We have a large house, lots of land, and so much here. But some days, I just long for what I can fit in a couple of suitcases.
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