Thursday, September 29, 2011
Forced to let go of the past. Like it or not.
I have returned from my trip to Denver. The work part was exhausting and the personal part exhilarating.
The night before I left for Denver I was working hard to finish up some of my work when my contractor called. The screen on my phone went blank and cut us off. We reconnected and then it did it again. That was the last time it has worked. At 7:30 pm I jumped in my car and sped to the nearest ATT phone and got myself a phone.
I found out that none of my numbers were retrievable because they weren't being saved to the sim card, just to the phone. I didn't know that. I guess it ask you this the very first time you save something and that is the only time.
I stood there for a moment and it reminded me of the day I was locked out on the porch. My mind taking in the information keeping panic at bay. Then thinking I am still here nothing life threatening has happened. Maybe.
So in one fell swoop I have wiped out my past. You know those numbers of people you would never really call, unless you were on your death bed and only if you had thought of some clever last minute jab as you take your last breath. Hey I am human after all.
I was the one who wanted to get rid of my story, right? Just to reinforce this idea of getting rid of my story I had a second opportunity. While up in the mountains (see picture above) I ran out of space on my camera card and the only way to take new pictures was to delete the ones on the card. It was the last trip with the ex and the ex in-laws.
One by one our happy little faces disappearing from the screen. I was forced to do this over and over because I wasn't willing to delete all. Facing the past again and again always opting for the beauty of the present over the memories of the past.
I felt a twinge of sadness. That is not my life anymore. I can say now I am really happy about that. Whats 4 years of of grief in the scheme of of things. Looking at it and re-living all that has happened since that trip doesn't change a thing. I don't want to do that anymore.
I believe we are exactly where we need to be no matter how long it takes. There are no accidents. I got an opportunity to test my feelings and see if my desire to move on is real. I am really there.
A coincidence? I don't think so. I will be fine without the numbers the people that love me now have my number and have been calling me. The clients numbers I can get from the files and anyone else that I have made contact with in the recent past will be on the detail portion of my bill. Anything older than that I can live without.
More details and pictures from the trip later. Happy to be hom.