Monday, March 5, 2012
Whats love got to do with it? - 4th step
Saturday I made food for a friend as a kind of a birthday dinner. I made shrimp and then I made roasted corn and black bean soup with fresh avocado and cilantro added just before serving.
It felt pretty surreal there in the kitchen cooking. I was thinking I don't know that I have ever made shrimp in this house.
My life of cooking seems so far away like I lost some part of me a long time ago. I remember the zen feeling cooking always gave me. The focus involved in chopping and preparing food for the people I loved and I thought loved me. I am not so sure about the second part anymore. I think I created some loving family with my ex's family that only existed in my mind.
During dinner the topic of love came up. The birthday girl is 73 and fell in love for the first time three years ago. It is over for various reasons and he recently moved away to live with his kids. We thought that was sad to have to wait until your 73 to find love. I guess that is better than never finding love at all.
Driving home I was thinking about falling in love. I stopped at a beach access where I use to meet someone who I thought I was in love with. They were not available emotionally or otherwise so I had to let it go. A moment in time caught up in admiration that only new attraction offers.
I had just been jilted and the idea of by-passing the grief process was very appealing. I knew what grief was about and was hoping I was going to be spared. It doesn't work that way grief has to be dealt with now or later, your choice.
I sat there by the sea and watched droves of young people headed out to the water. It was dark and I was content to just sit there and think about love and lust.
I went home and decided to write about my own experiences with love and lust. A kind of chronological 4th step.
Leaving home at 16 I was pretty free to do what I wanted with whomever I wanted. I did marry at 21 but definitely had my share of love and or so called love before then.
I was lost and the indifference my family had towards me sent me looking for love in all the wrong places. I was never reckless because I was a control freak but I did attract people that were as needy I was. Two holes don't make a whole.
When I met my husband I was emotionally exhausted. I chose him with my head not my heart I even ask him to marry me. I remember thinking he was nice why couldn't I love someone that was nice to me. I did fall in love with him because he never stop believing in me. He accepted me the way I was and when I finally was able to trust him I was in love.
He was enthusiastic and put his heart into everything until the alcoholism progressed. He became mean and used what he knew about me to hurt and control me. I thought it was something I had done. We do our best even if it isn't good enough.
The writing was a good exercise. I saw where I hurt people with my own indifference and how I really didn't know what love was and maybe I still don't. I believe I have loved and been loved even it it didn't work out. It all seems clearer now since I have been able to shed the painful suit of armor I once carried.
The only thing that brought up emotion was the person I use to meet at the beach. I was very sick and desperate and we were both looking for a quick escape. It has been four years and it is clear now that I escaped nothing.
I am looking forward to love in the future. It will be different because I already love myself and won't need someone to fill the hole for me. The person will be as emotionally well as I that is always the case.
picture from soul-sides.com