Today I feel like a little part of my dream for myself has come to an end. It doesn't feel like devastation but there is sadness in my heart. I have to believe that in some way some day I will look back and see how all the puzzle pieces fit together perfectly. But for today I am sad and I feel like I have given up.
Life is like that we hardly every get exactly what we expect the way we expect it and sometimes when we do we are still not happy.
I am grateful today to be clear headed and not depressed. I am grateful that I feel strong enough to look change in the face and say "bring it on" I am ready.
What I learned during my journey through grief and depression is that nothing really matters except what is going on in your head. All the things and people that you thought you couldn't live without seem pale in comparison to losing your mind. The one person you thought would never leave you.
I am not the same these days I see my life from above now. Like I am watching a movie character and I know that the movie ends well so I am not too worried for her.
In my life I have done a lot of things to trying to create the security I thought I lost when I was younger. I felt like everything in my life needed to be permanent in order to feel secure. My relationships, my job, my house and my stuff. I thought when things changed or went missing I was doing something wrong and so the next time I would try harder to nail things down.
This time I learned that what I needed was spiritual security. A knowing that I am never alone and that a mind that stops seeking happiness outside itself is a peaceful mind.