I became hard as nails being on my own at such an early age. I didn't have much empathy for others or myself because of the hand I felt I had been dealt. Life reflected my insides by giving me one harsh reality after another. I lived life preparing for the worst and I got it. Just to reinforce my idea that life was unfair.
When I was at my lowest I surrendered just like Step One states I was broken and my way wasn't working. I had met the alcoholic of my dreams and later my nightmares. I had trusted another to be my God and we all know how that works out.
The program gave me the means to identify how I participated in creating this nightmarish life. I did everything they told me to do and in the beginning went to every meeting I could find. The transformation was remarkable and in six months I was able to turn things over and not worry so much or be so hard on myself or other people.
After three years I met someone and we merged our lives and I got an opportunity to practice these principles in all my affairs. In my effort to keep from repeating my past I worked hard to stay autonomous.
I was happy for awhile but something was missing in the relationship, I think is was me. I thought what I had learned was live and let live but I took it too far and fell back into the being isolated emotionally and picked someone that was the same. There was no vulnerability or even emotion of any kind. Hey it felt good to me after living with the emotional roller coaster of a life with active alcoholism.
I did everything I thought I was suppose to do. That is an important sentence. I didn't get any feedback so I just did what seemed like the logical thing to do. You can live a long time together when two people are happy without emotion. I had only known pain most of my life so it felt pretty good to coast.
But it did finally run it's course and there I was left to deal with only myself. I didn't lose myself in another person, but the other person filled my life so I didn't have to grow emotionally anymore.
I feel that I orchestrate change subliminally in my life. I drown out the voice of my spirit with busyness but eventually when I stop to catch my breath the dullness and lack of joy in my life comes to the surface and a dramatic change takes place.
This is happening to me now. The difference is that it feels good to me. It doesn't feel like it is a mountain I will have to climb it just feels life freedom to move my life from dullness to joy.
My spirit is at the wheel. It has silenced the logical side that requires me to always prepare for the worst. I can feel that peace once again the peace I felt when I entered the program but this time it isn't from trusting the old man in the sky it is from trusting spirit of God within me. The one that has been waiting for me to listen and the one that isn't afraid.