I woke up worried this morning. Usually this goes along with the thought of "what is going to happen to me?" to start the ball rolling. I turned on my favorite (only) TV evangelist for some inspiration. This is what I do when I don't really want to face the day. Three segments later I decided to get up and get dressed for work.
I was pleased to find no one here this morning. This gives me time to resolve the issues in my head and get my day started. I know the fear I have is because my life isn't full enough right now. Not enough work or fun to fill my days. Too much space in my head.
Yesterday I had breakfast with a friend and spent a few hours drawing and eventually headed over to another friend's house for dinner and a movie. I had an inspired moment early in the week that I could go to a friends condo and watch the fireworks from the balcony. The traffic and the lack of parking dampened my enthusiasm for that idea yesterday so no fireworks.
I am enjoying the part of my life that involves drawing. My ultimate goal is to paint portraits in acrylics. I have been watching this guy on YouTube who uses acrylics like watercolors the same way I do. He shows step by step how to get started.
He mentioned the book Drawing on the Right Side of Brain and how much he loved it. It is an old book from the 90's that makes drawing available for everyone. It proves that it isn't as much about talent as it is about the practice of seeing. The premise is that people are mostly left brain dominant to start with and that society focuses on developing the left and right gets left behind with second grade stick drawings.
I keep running across this idea of left and right brain and it has really helped me to understand why I am always in conflict with myself. There is actually a power struggle going on up there. The left controls language, numbers and thinks in linear terms. The right abstract and thinks in pictures. The book mentions dreaming as the right brain trying to communicate ideas to left. This explains a lot.
When I want to just trust that things are just as they are suppose to be and I feel peaceful my right brain pipes up with a list of things I should be worried about. I hear "you are crazy not to be worried about this, you better get your butt in gear or disaster will strike." This is how I felt this morning.
I really think I am middle brain with a little more emphasis on the right these days. Sometimes it feels like I am suspended over the space between the two halves. It is really uncomfortable and I am afraid to make any decisions. In the past my left brain had a plan and we were sticking to it like it or not. I can't do that anymore.
I am still moving forward and trying not to take any of my thoughts too seriously. I am getting things done despite my moments of fear. I know deep in my heart that "all is well" and everything will work out. Maybe.