The one thing I know for sure about myself is that given enough time and willingness I can figure things out. If I wait long enough and continue to ask myself "am I wrong about this?" I will eventually get to a truth that I can live with.
I am not always wrong but I am not always right either. The time between deciding seems to be the most awkward and painful place for me. I want to rush to resolution.
It is like when the traffic is really backed up and you decide to get off at the next exit. You go through all those back roads and it feels like you somehow beat the traffic but really end up getting there in the same amount of time especially when other people had the same idea.
It is an illusion or it is entertainment something to fool the mind into thinking you are making progress when you are not. This is how my mind works when I want to be further along in my maturing process.
I doesn't help unless you count the entertainment factor. It is also exhausting to me to mentally take many different road, mostly in my head, before I find out that I will get there when I get there.
When I have a problem with someone and facing them will be scary I procrastinate until I feel ready or something forces me to have a face to face. During this percolating phase I make up stories of what the other person is thinking and how they are intentionally hurting me. I always make it about them I can spend hours, days and sometimes weeks doing this.
What I am learning about myself is that I am just not ready to face the consequences even if I have don't know what they are my imagination has given me plenty of different scenario to be afraid of.
I often find that the people I do this with the most are the ones that can hurt me most. Whether emotionally or financially they make me afraid. I make me afraid because I think they can hurt me.
I had a meeting yesterday that I had imagined would go about 99 different ways except the way it actually went. I woke up this morning thinking "I have got to stop doing this." I have got to stop judging people and just take care of myself. Not because it is bad for them but it is bad for me.
I am not saying you should trust everyone with all your heart but you do have to trust that things, in time, always work out. If I continue to focus on my own thought instead of thinking another person should be different than they are then I will never find peace. It is always about me and my thinking.
I am getting stronger every day and trusting that God will be with me no matter what happens. It feels good to feel more
confident about my life one day at a time.