I have been in a tizzy for a day. I feel my paths are split and my mind is wanting me to make a decision already and get on with it. I am resisting but yesterday I lunged towards one decision that I have been toying with for some time now.
The result was not at all what I expected. The result was nothing. Not a word, not a peep nothing to confirm or deny whether it is or is not the right decision.
I find that my logical mind wants to just move along and not wait for God's timing. God takes too long in my opinion. I also know that isn't true when I look back at any part of my life I can see just how perfect the timing was no matter how awful it felt when nothing was going my way.
My indecision is fueled by things just not being ready. I am not ready or the circumstances are not right. I think now it is because my right brain is getting stronger and keeping my left from bulldozing me into just doing something. All signs point to wait.
If I can take this moment or even this day for just what it is then I have everything I need. If I think of next week or next month or next year then I am impatient and just want to make things happen.
I was broken for a long time and now I am better. My thinking is clearer but I still doubt my abilities and this makes me want to run away. I got no place to go so running isn't really option.
I can see today what is happening I have to start facing my fears and prove to myself that I have still got it. The time it is taking for me to make decisions is healing time. Part of me thinks that I have been permanently damaged and I will never be the same. The other part knows that this has actually made me stronger than ever. Not the same but a better version of myself.
It is true that I don't really know who I am exactly, but I have to be okay with that. I know that I am not the person I was so everything feels like new territory. Each fear I face is one step closer to discovering who I am now.