My mind would like to take this opportunity to slide into the many reasons I am alone this Valentines. I could easily go there an look at the mistakes I have made the reason I have been left so many times but luckily I am too tired to give in to this inclination.
Why do people leave? The better question is why do they stay? Why did I stay long after the happiness had faded and I felt lonelier than I have ever felt when I was actually alone. These are the questions that use to really put me to the test. I do know know some of the answers now.
First I married young and I thought it was forever. My religious back ground made me think that a commitment was a commitment my parents would have never divorced. I stayed because I didn't want to fail I stayed because I was empty and hurt and this person filled that for me sometimes but they also hurt me. I stayed because love conquers all and I couldn't imagine a life that was any better.
I only knew about hurt up to that point. I expected that life was only about survival because this was my own experience. I blamed myself for not being good enough for people to stay with me. I felt lucky when someone liked me and when fell for someone I worked hard to be who they thought I was. When I did this I lost myself and this ate me up inside. I couldn't show my true self because they would leave. This made me a joy to live with.
They left anyway maybe because they were living with the ghost of someone. Maybe they left because they did believe that there was more happiness to be found else where. They had more hope than I did at time.
I had to find myself and face the truth. I had to find a way to prove to myself that I was lovable. In my heart I knew I wasn't because there was no one I felt really did love me. I was alone and reaching out and felt no one was there.
I stayed in this place for what seemed life forever thinking that there was something in me that repelled people that once loved me into leaving me.
Something happened along the way that made realize that true love was unconditional and that you are just loved. Love isn't earned it just is and only you and your god have the ability to give you that kind of love. I do believe in god and that we have a spirit that lives within us that represents that god and when we trust and love ourselves then we can truly find peace in this world.
Today I can be happy and feel loved even without a valentine. I can know that loving myself is enough.