Drama - Crazy Makers - Peace

I have gotten through my grief and feel happy again. I have to remember that with every dip I always come back higher than before it began. My spirit is processing something and if I can just hang with it I will reach the other side. I am always changing and if I don't resist it will happen quicker.  I just have to trust myself and all the work I have done to find peace. 

I had a curious dinner with my next door neighbor. Only the second time I have been in her house.  The first time I was invited it was when I was in my darkest place without any social boundaries. Someone ask me how I came about living next door and I told them my story. I was so raw then and didn't have the energy to consider how the other person might receive what was said. That was ten years ago and since then her husband passed from a long term heart problem. 

If is not likely that if you are asked a question that anyone really wants to know a sad answer. No one wants to hear that you aren't well. During this small get together the topic of the day was food and the latest heart healthy recipes. In contrast I was trying to decide if I wanted to live so it was awkward for everyone.

This week during our 3 hour dinner we found out we have a lot in common but most of what we have in common was the person I was before. She loves astrology - acupuncture - meditation - psychics - liberal politics.  She even has a program to do your chart based on your time of birth. I used to use all these things as a way to encourage myself to try to feel better. I am at peace now not looking for outside answers.

All spiritual roads lead to same place is what I know now. All these things are interesting and entertaining but they are not a destination. When I was girl I used astrology books to make myself feel better about who I was and even hid one under my mattress. Astrology in my world was of the devil but I loved hearing good things about myself it was the only positive input I was ever going to get. The beginning of a life where I had to pat myself on the back to keep going. 

Once my stepmother was plundering my room as she often did and found my book and I was grounded for a few months. I bought another one and kept it at school.  I learned quickly that life was only about survival.  You can only trust yourself and sometimes not even yourself. I have used many methods to find security and safety for myself.  Hanging the serenity prayer in my first apartment at sixteen. God has taken care of me even though I haven't always believed in God.

What I do believe in is something greater than myself at least my physical self. I do believe that there is a higher self within us that is outside the limitations of our conscious mind. This spirit is always trying to nudge you towards what is right for you. It is only drowned out by the basic human fears that we face everyday. We run towards anything that can give us temporary relief from feeling uncomfortable.

Throughout my life I have learned to first see how my own thoughts were hurting me and then start to change those thoughts with whatever means possible. I am not helpless in an irrational world I can focus on bringing my own mind and body to a place of harmony and gratitude. 

Our emotions are mixed with the people around us like it or not.  If we can feel secure in our own peace others people will not be able to affect us.  This takes stepping back from the crazy makers in our lives and knowing that we can choose to not get caught up in the drama. Drama only works when it is fed.

It is hard to break this cycle and it will make them try harder to bring you back in but it is your choice. It is always your choice even if you feel trapped by your circumstances you can decide to just choose peace in your mind. Physically the other person can sense the change and it will disengage them even if it only for a moment. 

I think with the recent dip I have moved through another spiritual level. I have reached a point where I can just trust myself to be enough for any situation.  I can stop thinking I need to be more or I need to be like someone else. I know myself well and my inner self will guide me through the ups and downs and I will be alright. Life feels random but the more grounded in peace that we are the less we will be shaken by it.  

Gettting what you want - Mental health

Life is good.  I use to wear those t-shirts all the time it but I didn't really believe what they said and now they represent a time in my life that I was the most un-conscious.  By all means possible from the outside it looked like the perfect life but spiritually I was vacant still carrying the wants and needs from my childhood.  Hoping magically they would get met by the strangers in my life at the time.

Being abandoned by my own family I found different groups of people that I substituted for the imaginary family that I thought I missed out on.  My view of the world was a combination of sit coms from the seventies where you were surrounded by people who loved you no matter what stupid thing you have done. I definitely believed in magic I had to my mother was dying and I wasn't aloud to even acknowledge she was sick.

My sister buried herself in mostly Gone with the Wind.  Being four years older I think she might hold the record for the number of times that book was read in a short period of time.  I am not sure how that book shaped her twelve year old mind.  Maybe she liked where Scarlet pulled herself together and rescued herself.  I can only think of the part where she thinks Rhett has come back to help her and he rejects her.  Scarlet has burned all her bridges. 

I can now see how I was looking for trust and support and imagined other people had family's to give them that and I didn't. Blood is thicker than water. I wanted a shoulder to cry on but from as early as I can remember you are just suppose to suck it up and move on. Crying was not permitted - "I will give you something to cry about" - I only write this because it was shaped my life in a way that makes it impossible for me to be genuine about my pain except in words.

I gravitate to people like me because it feels comfortable.  I remember at my lowest sitting across the table from someone with tears running down my face and not getting even comforting words from that person.  The hard shell cannot be penetrated. I often said about my ex that if I was laying on the ground on fire I would have to say "call somebody".

My parents loved me but they had tough lives.  They said the words but but emotions were mostly off limits.  I think this is why they loved the Pentecostal church where when you were worshipping in the spirit you could be free emotionally.  You could cry or even laugh all you wanted.

My dad  told me the first date he had with my mother she made him go to a prayer meeting.  He said when he walked in he knew this was what he had been looking for all his life. It is a powerful release to be with a large group of people letting their emotions go and freely worshipping.  A celebration of a living God pretty powerful.

I think my point of the post is to say that we are conditioned by our past but if we can see this is just conditioning we can move on and not feel we aren't getting what we want. What we want is to feel safe and accepted.  We want to think that if something happens we will have a soft place to land and Rhett will save us and everything will go back to the it use to be or maybe we will have to start again because we have burned too many bridges.

I think that life is life and that we don't know for sure who will be there when something happens.  It is really frightening to think too much about this but for me I know it will work out.  Families are just people going through life the same as we are and can't magically solve the insecurities we have inside.

When I was sick and sad everyone ran from me.  Slowly everyone drifted away except one person who just made sure I was eating and occasionally getting out. I was physically ill and this was contributing to my already grief stricken mind.  One brought on the other and a crash was inevitable.

I would say to anyone going through something traumatic and having feelings of hopelessness and loss to get your thyroid tested. I know this sounds life a diversion from the rest of this post but a crisis can lead to a physical change in your body and add to an already bad situation. My anxiety was so high that late at night I would run around the neighborhood to try to feel better.

I never ate and when I did it was those comfort foods that heaped more bad on top of bad. I was just surviving and wasn't thinking rationally.  There is a lot of stories like mine out there.  Today my mind is clear and I am happy and healthier than I have ever been before. Mental health and physical health are tied together in ways that we can't imagine.  Your not alone with those thoughts and you can find health and happiness just ask for help.

Time off - More freedom

It has been a good week I opted to take a long weekend. This always makes me feel guilty. When you work on commission your mind is trained to think about the next job keeping the flow going so you don't hit a dry spell somewhere in the future. This doesn't exactly help me live in the present.

I made myself suffer on Friday. I haven't really felt too inspired to do anything lately so that being said my mind says "hey you got nothing more interesting to do so you should be working." the problem with that idea is you never get recharged. You never get the creative juices flowing so you can be present when you are working on some one's dream kitchen or bath.

It didn't help that when I finally surrendered to my day off on Friday I got a call from the office saying that one of my customers couldn't get a hold of me. I called her and she didn't call me back so I felt a little freedom at that point.

I have done nothing too much for the past two days. On Friday I did make a decision to purchase a stationary bike. My work schedule doesn't lend too well to a gym membership which I do have. But biking at night while watching TV does seem like something that would work for me.

I placed the order for the bike at midnight on Friday and by 8 am I got a text that it was ready for pick up at Sears. Ask and you shall receive. This is what I love about the Internet. I spent a few hours today putting it together and have already completed my first five miles. I am in terrible shape but that is the point isn't it?

I did want to touch on my last post. I wanted to convey the freedom I have found through my own personal journey and the relief I feel knowing that my own inner spirit has always been leading me in the right direction and it only my mind that needs the distraction of complexity.

Each of us has to find our own way. For me listening to the journeys of others inspired me not to give up but no one could tell me exactly how to find the truth I was looking for. Only I know what my mind is keeping from me and only I can challenge the stories I tell myself about me.  

Questioning the honesty of my own mind turned my life upside down. It showed me that my story was just that a story a story that I kept alive in my own mind.  It was this story that kept me entertained and also kept me stuck in the same place.

My story included one of being a victim. A victim is not something you are for a lifetime it is something you experience from time to time during your life. Along with the bad labels I had give up some labels that I have been proud up because those labels also put limitations on me. In the past I kept those labels even when they no longer suited me.

Today I want to be a more fluid person not wanting to be locked into anything not even a spiritual path. It feels freeing and terrifying to just let go and move on when I don't know what I am moving on to. But it feels more natural than what I have done in the past.

This all sounds good tonight but tomorrow I will go back to work and I may lose this clarity. I will be dealing with people and the stories they carry with them. What is different is that I won't always blame myself for the way they feel.

Head in the Clouds

My horoscope said I have stars in my eyes today and can't see how things really are. I am ok with that it won't be the first time or the last I suspect.

I spent the morning cleaning the showroom and the afternoon designing a new kitchen. I have just had a late lunch and I am about to start writing the bills.

No customers today the weather is really beautiful and I didn't expect a lot of traffic. I am in good spirits again today for that I am grateful. My sister called to catch up and we talked for an hour. I was using my multi-tasking skills designing while talking.

We seem to be exactly in the same spiritual place in our lives. This astounds me since me never agreed on anything spiritually. We are older and wiser or just plain wore out and decided we can only do our best and leave the rest to God.

I posted a picture I took a couple of weeks ago. It is similar to one I posted featuring the tree this time I posted it because I liked the clouds.

I guess maybe I have stars in my eyes or maybe I just have my head in the clouds. What difference does it make. Grateful to be happy again today.

Reality Check

I went to the counselor yesterday and I took a list of the things I needed to talk about. I can't really afford to go very often so I wanted to make the best use of the time. I didn't actually right it down but I felt I needed to get some specific answers to make sure I am not headed down the wrong path.

She of course believes there is no wrong path just different choices. I like that because it goes along with my belief of looking at everything from a higher spiritual place. I beleive we are spiritual beings and our lives here are a small part of the journey and we learn want we need to learn and then move on.

I haven't really wanted to understand why I haven't wanted to go back to my old schedule. I don't want to attend meetings, see friends or really do anything other than work. What I concluded and she confirmed is that because for the past 3 years I have been in such an emotional state that all my energy went into just staying a float and to do that I needed support and meetings and any distraction I could come up with to survive. On top of this work was really slow and I had all this free time to spend with friends doing whatever.

When I took time off and stepped back I realized that I was spiritually drained and needed time alone. Now work has picked up and I am spending my energy dealing with customers and probleming solving. I don't have the energy for both and I have to take care of myself and that means right now working.

When I went home last night I was exhausted. I called ahead and picked up some food and went home. I was too tired to even watch TV so I turned on my favorite movie and prompty fell asleep. I woke up around midnight and got ready for bed. I am now back at work and will be here late today trying to meet my customers expectations.

So I am just and introvert that needs a lot of down time to recharge and since my customers are getting my energy I have nothing left for anyone else.

Getting Bumped - pay backs

Last night on my way home from work I was tired and little distracted. I stopped a light and suddenly I got bumped it wasn't a hard bump, but enough. I looked behind me and a the driver behind me was actually missing. I could see some part of him doing something but clearly not focused on the fact that he bumped me.

The light turned green and I thought, what should I do? It isn't always safe, to jump out and confront someone, so I pulled off and as he passed wrote down the license plate number. When I got out and looked at the bumper it looked not perfect but not like it had been bumped.

I am a different person than when I started this spiritual journey. I probably wouldn't have ever jumped out or maybe I shouldn't say ever. It would have ruined my day though and my self-righteousness would have over flowed. It did bring back a memory of my own bumping past.

When I was in my 20's I had a Tercel and it had giant black bumpers I was a young whipper snapper and always in a hurry when leaving my complex. On more than one occassion I would look and see the car in front of me move forward and thinking they went I would pull out. You guessed it wham, I never did any damage, but I always got an ear full.

Stuff happens when your young and distracted and thinking of all the things life has to offer. When, where you are going is more exciting than the car you are driving. It brought back a funny memory of being once young and reckless. So I guess it was a little pay back for me.