Thursday, December 17, 2015

Christmas Past - Living with addiction

I  sitting here looking out the window and it looks life it could be September. You have to look closely to notice the slight yellowing of some leaves. It is hard enough for us here in the south to get in the Christmas spirit in the first place but with temperatures near 80 forget it.

I am not much of a holiday person.  When I was younger and just starting to create a life that looked like everyone else had I did the big holiday.  That is what you do when living with active alcoholism you go full in and make your outside world blemish free.  Anything to get lost in so you don't have to think about that deep unexplained sadness you have on the inside.

For me I didn't have any idea that I was living with addiction. In my mind an alcoholic didn't have a job and spent most of the their time passed out. This was what I saw as a child with my uncle.  He was an alcoholic that when he had money he was drunk. It was confusing though because sometimes he would stay sober for six months and then he was out drinking non-stop until he was in jail.

Alcoholism is a cunning and baffling disease. My husband wasn't like that I never saw him falling down drunk.  I think he drank to feel normal and to be normal.  Otherwise he was angry so angry he was scary to me. I remember after we split his friend calling me and telling me he was picking fights with the neighborhood guys at the "Y" and it was getting pretty ugly.

I wanted to rescue him but I didn't he had a girlfriend they should call her. I was so clueless about how emotionally sick we both were. Two people with severe emotional deficits trying to make a life. Our mothers died when we were both 11 his dad drank through his grief leaving his kids to take care of themselves.

I loved him more than anyone I have loved on this earth. I would have done anything to make things work between us but luckily for me he moved on. I think the love I had was because we had the same emptiness the same wanting. He was happier than I was because he found escape in alcohol it gave him the ability to pretend that everything was alright.

It didn't work for me I tried to keep up.  I wanted to be free of my own mind but drinking made me sad and made want to talk about our problems.  This is not appealing to someone trying to escape.  I remember feeling so bad about myself because I couldn't stay up all night doing shots with our friends.

We get into relationships that involve addition and we think some how we should have the skills to manage what is going on alone. Addiction is an intimate relationship and doesn't like outsiders it convinces those involved to keep it just between us. I think that is part of the appeal the intensity of the feeling that the other person is depending on you.  They feed that feeling because they need someone to take of them and we someone to take of.  Avoiding the real problem. Two egos with needs.

I have unraveled the mystery of how I became person.  I have lived most of my life with the wanting of a child looking for someone to make me fill I was worthy of love.  Someone to hold me and tell me everything will be fine. No one can fulfill that promise we have to learn to live with the uncertainty of life. You can spend your life preparing for one thing and then something else is bound to happen that you never expected.

It is true that everything will be fine after you have been broken in half and your laying on the ground with the crap beaten out of you. You will (after a long while ) get back up dust yourself off and be fine. Just my experience.

I was intending for this to be a post about Christmas maybe it it. I remember my last Christmas with my husband I forced him to go with me to a tree farm and pick out a tree. His obvious seething anger towards me didn't phase me. I was pretending  this was the perfect Christmas.

I would have done anything to not look at the truth. Ironically I have spent every moment since that time trying to find a relationship where I felt safe and I finally have.  That relationship is within myself I will love again I know this but it isn't to have someome complete me. I will always have that child like longing but I think that is normal.

Today I will  not to get too far ahead of myself.  I can relax and take in the day and maybe go out and find some holiday cheer.

No comments:

Post a Comment